Watch-stand
Watching the watch-less
nightstand standing
by my empty bed.
It spills over with clutter,
books, glasses, and chocolate boxes.
The silent face of your watch
once marked this plain ledge
like a bookmark,
a mental note to return;
to find your place, and the girl
who’s heart is an open book.
But, the story wasn’t looking like
a happily ever after.
Now, this night-stand standing
watch-less watches
me as I sleep alone.
nightstand standing
by my empty bed.
It spills over with clutter,
books, glasses, and chocolate boxes.
The silent face of your watch
once marked this plain ledge
like a bookmark,
a mental note to return;
to find your place, and the girl
who’s heart is an open book.
But, the story wasn’t looking like
a happily ever after.
Now, this night-stand standing
watch-less watches
me as I sleep alone.
posted by TwistedNoggin at 11:22 AM
1 Comments:
Technical edits:
1. Trim this - "a mental note to tell you where to return" - to "a mental note to return".
If you don't want to trim, consider using "how to return" instead of "where to return".
"Where to return" suggests a physical returning (the man comes home back, into the bed)-
whereas "how to return" suggests the same, but also suggests that there is emotional distance in the relationship, there are difficulties which need to be resolved.
That's more interesting (and closer, I suspect, to what you were trying to say).
2. The phrase "who’s heart" should be "whose heart".
3. You've been playing with "watch" and playing with "stand" -
I was a bit surprised you didn't bring the two plays together and play with the idea of the night-stand "standing watch over me" somewhere.
4. You can add another poetic element around this part:
"where to find the girl
who’s heart is an open book.
But, the story wasn’t looking like
a happily ever after."
Play with variations of this idea:
"where to find the girl
whose heart was an open book.
She reads it and finds no
happily ever after."
This is more interesting. Firstly, you present yourself as a third person before reverting to the present "you" at the end of the poem. It suggests that a previous "you", in the past, had been introspecting (reading her own heart) and even then could already foresee that there wouldn't be a happy ending.
Secondly, by using the past tense for the "open book" -
ie her heart WAS an open book
the poem can also suggest that the woman's heart is NO LONGER open to her lover now. The relationship is over and the woman has closed her heart to the man.
5. One more idea to explore. Due to your play on "watch", there is room somewhere to explore the idea of time ticking by - which in turn could be used to suggest the writer's insomnia as she lies in bed troubled by her thoughts.
The poem is very rich. But you haven't brought out the possibilities yet. Go play ...
Post a Comment
<< Home