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I was wondering what it meant, some of this desperate crying in very old (no longer here) posts as well as things from years before.
I've been fighting so long, struggling, steering, myself... I can't stand being around people when they want me to control them and I don't want to be controlled either. But, I have to be so alert....
I have to watch every move... don't slip off a cliff, don't step on anyone's toes, don't walk too slow, don't miss this opportunity, don't rush, don't vear from your path, etc.....
It's as if I'm being constantly hunted and every muscle and nerve is always ready to extend, retract, react.... I've been that way for 30 frickin years.
Have you ever wanted to be held so tight that you couldn't move? Just so for a few minutes you would have no reason to think about which way you're supposed to move? Maybe that's how kids feel with their parents. My earliest memories of mom holding me, I was paying attention because she'd go from sweet mommy to mommy dearest so quickly. She was a good person, but I always had my guard up with her. I trusted Dad more, but dad's don't do the long-hold thing. They hug you, but when your mind moves like mine does, you only feel hugs in retrospect. My mind is so busy, that I can't soak in a hug until it's over. It takes a few minutes of holding before my psyche will relenquish control of my senses and let my body stop and just absorb. Maybe that's why I want to lean on people and be close to them, something sustained enough that even I can absorb it.
I want to trust. I want to not think for 5 minutes or so. People see "holding" someone as only a prelude to something else. I see it as a moment to trust someone and let them take away, if just for a moment, that horrible constant responsibility to be in constant control of every inch of myself. To take away that constant paranoid watch I have to keep on my surroundings. Of course, it only works if you feel like you can really depend on that person.
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ok, so I was just analyzing old writing, there. I aint askin for affection. It never really means anything anyway, does it?
Perhaps I just need a tangible villian to release the tension of all this guard on. No intangible villians (like Cancer, human unreliability, my own shortcomings, etc...) but a nice big angry henchmen staring me in the eyes. Someone to lay into with all I've got. Whether I won or lost, for once I'd be free of the things I carry in me.
I've been fighting so long, struggling, steering, myself... I can't stand being around people when they want me to control them and I don't want to be controlled either. But, I have to be so alert....
I have to watch every move... don't slip off a cliff, don't step on anyone's toes, don't walk too slow, don't miss this opportunity, don't rush, don't vear from your path, etc.....
It's as if I'm being constantly hunted and every muscle and nerve is always ready to extend, retract, react.... I've been that way for 30 frickin years.
Have you ever wanted to be held so tight that you couldn't move? Just so for a few minutes you would have no reason to think about which way you're supposed to move? Maybe that's how kids feel with their parents. My earliest memories of mom holding me, I was paying attention because she'd go from sweet mommy to mommy dearest so quickly. She was a good person, but I always had my guard up with her. I trusted Dad more, but dad's don't do the long-hold thing. They hug you, but when your mind moves like mine does, you only feel hugs in retrospect. My mind is so busy, that I can't soak in a hug until it's over. It takes a few minutes of holding before my psyche will relenquish control of my senses and let my body stop and just absorb. Maybe that's why I want to lean on people and be close to them, something sustained enough that even I can absorb it.
I want to trust. I want to not think for 5 minutes or so. People see "holding" someone as only a prelude to something else. I see it as a moment to trust someone and let them take away, if just for a moment, that horrible constant responsibility to be in constant control of every inch of myself. To take away that constant paranoid watch I have to keep on my surroundings. Of course, it only works if you feel like you can really depend on that person.
_____________________________________________
ok, so I was just analyzing old writing, there. I aint askin for affection. It never really means anything anyway, does it?
Perhaps I just need a tangible villian to release the tension of all this guard on. No intangible villians (like Cancer, human unreliability, my own shortcomings, etc...) but a nice big angry henchmen staring me in the eyes. Someone to lay into with all I've got. Whether I won or lost, for once I'd be free of the things I carry in me.
posted by TwistedNoggin at 5:54 PM
2 Comments:
My fondest and safest childhood memory is of Mom holding me, stroking my hair. I can't think of any other time I've felt that safe. I know what you mean, though. Holding someone - or being held - is a solitary, undervalued luxury of life. We may never get much, but holding onto someone, or being held, makes us feel like - for a moment - that's all we need. I can't think of anything else more soothing. Indidentally, I remember a time when I spent several minutes alone in a sauna, just letting myself perspire, and letting my mind run - and it was an amazingly soothing and enriching experience. But it still doesn't equal the feeling of having someone special in my arms.
Oh yeah, and sometimes I'd give anything to have a tangible enemy I could fight. This weekend, we're most likely going to get our asses shot to hell and back by these elite SWAT/Navy Seal/ex-police guys, and that's cool. But you know what? I don't care how much experience they have over me, and I don't care what it takes - at least one of them is going to wish he had never stepped in front of my gun.
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