Shy and gutsy?

I have stood nose to nose with the biggest, scariest factory bully and told him off - just hoping he would hit me so I could hit back. I have danced on bars a couple times. I plan on going to Japan by myself and the idea sounds like a great adventure. But, sometimes the shyness comes out with a vengeance.

I went into the Comic Book store in New Albany today. I've been wanting to go for a long time, but was shy about going in alone. Silly, eh? Well, it's unfamiliar territory and I'm not super-knowledgable about comics. I walked in and they all turned and stared at me (whole bunch of people at the counter) but they all ignored me, pretty much. No one asked ifI needed help or anything. It's a really small place, so it's weird... like you're practically in these people's laps and they pretend you aren't there. I felt like I was intruding. I wanted to run away, literally, right out the door. But, I looked around and didn't find what I wanted. I was about to give up and leave, never to return, when he actually did ask what I wanted. I told him I was looking for the new Ultimate Ironman (written by Orson Scott Card, author of Ender's Game). They were sold out, but he promised to save me a copy when he gets more in Wedesday. I was hot, shakey, and nervous already because my initial fe minutes in there was so uncomfortable. I asked about X-23, also sold out. He gave me a big Previews catalog and was very nice. I'll go back Wednesday.

I just think it's odd that I can be so daring at times, and so shy other times. I once drove through a gang fight because I was offended that they thought I should wait while they engaged in such utter idiocy in the middle of the road. I am more shy around people I expect would share interests with me, too. I suppose because what they think might actually matter to me a little. Just like, I often have no problem trying something new in front of people if I expect to suck at it (yes, that's what I said. Odd, eh?) But if I feel it is something I should be good at, then I'm more nervous, because if I fail at something I should be good at, then I loose a bit of myself.

I went to climb one of those fake rock walls once. That is totally up my alley. I LOVE to climb stuff. Never take me to a party in a barn. I'll be in the rafters before you can say "Where's the punch?". But, this particular day I was so anemic I could barely stand up. I have a real hang-up with ever being perceived as weak, so feeling like lifting my arms is so daunting a task that I might cry if I have to do it twice, well... that is a humiliation I find hard to bear. But, I tried to climb anyway. I was so weak I felt like breathing was wearing me out, but I tried to climb. I got up a little bit and my arms felt numb - just like your foot feels when it falls asleep, they felt just like that. I tried to concentrate on keeping my fingers gripped but I could barely tell where they were. Everything went black except a fuzzy center-point in my vision that I was fighting to keep open. Of course, everything sounded like I was hearing it through a tube. I told the dude holding my rope that I had to come down. The ninny started arguing with me.
"You're doing fine, just reach up-"
"No, It isn't about the climbing, I'm about to faint" concentrate...don't pass out
"Just reach for the-"
"I have to come down now or I will fall down. I'm anemic. I'm about to pass out"
The idiot wanted to argue with me, but he finally accepted and let me down. If he hadn't right that second, I would have just pushed off from the wall and come down the hard way - let him deal with the rope burns, I didn't care. Through years of self-training, I've learned to fight that fainting thing, but it is not easy and you can only do it for so long, unless you find a place to sit down and mellow.
Anyways... I was just crushed. Failing at something I know should come easily for me just scrambles my pride. Plus, feeling like some weak frail thing pisses me off like you wouldn't beleive. Anyway... enough rambling for today. :)