Not really a poem - just uneditted rambling. Sorry for the slop, but I have a paper to write.
I see her stubborn mind
chomp down on anger, hurt,
on distrust and confusion.
I see her forming her own answers.
Who knows what story
she has envisioned
to explain the uncle
who vanished last year
without a single goodbye.
Who knows what evil
she imagines of me.
But if I tried to dispel
her illusions of the perfect uncle,
then I would be evil.
And how can I defame the man
I'd have given anything to keep?
So, I just told her two truths:
He’s a good man.
I miss him too.
And she cried on my lap.
I silently cursed
every influence in her life
that taught her not to tell me
how she felt about it all.
I wanted to undo
those destructive lessons
that would so lock her sorrows
inside her tiny 10 year old frame.
I see her simmering
the bitter broth
of her private thoughts
and can do nothing
but smile, hug,
and pray she never
has the experiences
that would help her understand.
I see her stubborn mind
chomp down on anger, hurt,
on distrust and confusion.
I see her forming her own answers.
Who knows what story
she has envisioned
to explain the uncle
who vanished last year
without a single goodbye.
Who knows what evil
she imagines of me.
But if I tried to dispel
her illusions of the perfect uncle,
then I would be evil.
And how can I defame the man
I'd have given anything to keep?
So, I just told her two truths:
He’s a good man.
I miss him too.
And she cried on my lap.
I silently cursed
every influence in her life
that taught her not to tell me
how she felt about it all.
I wanted to undo
those destructive lessons
that would so lock her sorrows
inside her tiny 10 year old frame.
I see her simmering
the bitter broth
of her private thoughts
and can do nothing
but smile, hug,
and pray she never
has the experiences
that would help her understand.
posted by TwistedNoggin at 8:24 PM
3 Comments:
So sad. : (
Oh, yes...so hard.
It reminds me of my cousin Yukky's dark story in the past, just like "she" in this poem - her dad deceived her and the family. He's good but just a pimp, but I also couldn't say it to her. Now she's strong enough to declare, "I don't need my dad, I'm happy without him" - though.
My ex is no pimp, he's a good guy, but if I explained the problems we had it would sound like I was putting him down. This would hurt her, because she loved him and trusted in our respect of eachother. She would feel torn between us.
I feel like he should have seen her after the split-up, for her sake, lest she end up with the same abandonment issues that I deal with. But, I can understand why he wasn't comfortable with that and I won't hold it against him. After all, he is a good guy, I'm just not what he wanted.
I worry that a certain member of my family will convey the erroneous concept to her that I was not committed, since that person has displayed that faulty thinking already. That's funny, almost, since I stayed with my first husband when he abused me and only moved out when he kicked me out. My second husband didn't kick me out, I just couldn't handle looking into the eyes of the love of my life and seeing nothing but disdain for everything I am and everything I stand for. If he had been a bad man, it would not have been so hard. But, he was a good man and my presence "made him miserable", as he plainly stated. How could I possibly stay in that situation? I tried, but after a while I couldn't take it anymore.
So, I held my precious neice while she cried and just told her I was sorry, secretly feeling I was not good enough to keep her uncle for her.
That is probably too personal and detailed for my blog, but then I guess that is why I call this my greymatterplatter... my noggin on a silver platter, for whatever that's worth.
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