Technicalities & Trust
A friend of mine broke up with her boyfriend, they remained friends, and within days, I believe, he was already “with” another girl. She referred to this as him cheating on her. (They got back together later). I never quite understood this. They were broken up. He was probably trying to get her off his mind any way he could. I can certainly understand feeling hurt (feeling like he moved on too quickly), but I couldn’t be mad at him for “cheating”, if it were me. However, he refused to tell her a lot of things about what happened during that break-up time, and that I couldn’t have accepted.
I kinda wrote it off as a chick thing, at first (since I’m too odd a chick to get some chick things), but then my boyfriend kind of agreed with her, saying there’s a 3-week to a month period delay before a break up totally takes effect, so to speak, so he would either not move on to another girl (if it were him) or do it sneakily, as if he were cheating.
This I REALLY don’t get. In my opinion, if you moved on a bit abruptly, and you really felt the need to be considerate of your ex, you’d do the opposite of sneak. You’d probably give them a bit of a warning so they wouldn’t find out at an awkard time and get blindsided by the news. If your ex is slightly psycho and will freak out at the news, maybe you can’t extend him/her that courtesy, but I know I would appreciate and need that courtesy.
There have been times in my life I haven’t been totally brutally open about some things, especially one case of moving on quickly after I was ditched. I wanted to let him know, just out of respect, but knew the truth would be twisted and altered and made into an ugly lie once his creative mind got control of it, so I couldn’t trust him enough to give him the honesty I wanted to. That was long, long ago and someone I never see anymore, though. But that was one odd situation and very atypical for me, since I value honesty so much. Also, I once had an issue of this dilemma… I had broken up with someone and then, quite soon after, realized I had strong feelings for this other guy. If I was going to date this other guy, I would have warned my friend/ex, but I couldn’t date him so I just kept my feelings bottled up (except in my poetry-vents) since it seemed pointless to hurt him with the knowledge of my feelings if I wasn’t going to do anything about it. That didn’t work out well, but that’s another story, and kind of irrelevant. .
I guess my confusion comes down to a core aspect of my personality that differs from most people. I can handle anything but feeling left in the dark. I want to know what’s going on so I can brace myself for what’s coming. Just like, for example, I could forgive a man for just about anything. I could even forgive adultery, probably, but ONLY if he told me himself without being pushed to do it at all. That goes back to the slip-up versus conscious betrayal thing…. You see, if he slips up, that could be a moment of weakness. It’d hurt like hell, but we could probably move past it together. If he chose to hide something from me, however, that’s a conscious decision to continuously betray my trust. If he didn’t come clean on his own before I found out the hard way, there would be no forgiving him. No way, no how. So, for example, if I found out on my own that he’d made out with some chick then deceived me, I might never forgive him. However, I might forgive all-out adultery if he confessed on his own.
Now, that’s all retrospect-honesty (coming clean AFTER a mistake) but the same applies. Just be up-front with me and the trust never dies. If we break up and you move on, but you warn me to protect my feelings, I’m gonna feel a lot less tossed aside.
Maybe I’m changing topics or directions, here, but why do some people consider it better to be left in the dark? The way I see it, if I find out the hard way that you deceived me, I can never trust you again. If you mess up but come clean, I never have to worry or suspect, because I know that if you were messing up again you’d let me know – so why worry?
I don’t know. I’ll just never get people. All the “polite” lying and expected deception and sneaking and “protecting” people from the truth… It’s all hogwash. If you care about anyone, you’ll be totally honest with them. It’s just that simple.
I kinda wrote it off as a chick thing, at first (since I’m too odd a chick to get some chick things), but then my boyfriend kind of agreed with her, saying there’s a 3-week to a month period delay before a break up totally takes effect, so to speak, so he would either not move on to another girl (if it were him) or do it sneakily, as if he were cheating.
This I REALLY don’t get. In my opinion, if you moved on a bit abruptly, and you really felt the need to be considerate of your ex, you’d do the opposite of sneak. You’d probably give them a bit of a warning so they wouldn’t find out at an awkard time and get blindsided by the news. If your ex is slightly psycho and will freak out at the news, maybe you can’t extend him/her that courtesy, but I know I would appreciate and need that courtesy.
There have been times in my life I haven’t been totally brutally open about some things, especially one case of moving on quickly after I was ditched. I wanted to let him know, just out of respect, but knew the truth would be twisted and altered and made into an ugly lie once his creative mind got control of it, so I couldn’t trust him enough to give him the honesty I wanted to. That was long, long ago and someone I never see anymore, though. But that was one odd situation and very atypical for me, since I value honesty so much. Also, I once had an issue of this dilemma… I had broken up with someone and then, quite soon after, realized I had strong feelings for this other guy. If I was going to date this other guy, I would have warned my friend/ex, but I couldn’t date him so I just kept my feelings bottled up (except in my poetry-vents) since it seemed pointless to hurt him with the knowledge of my feelings if I wasn’t going to do anything about it. That didn’t work out well, but that’s another story, and kind of irrelevant. .
I guess my confusion comes down to a core aspect of my personality that differs from most people. I can handle anything but feeling left in the dark. I want to know what’s going on so I can brace myself for what’s coming. Just like, for example, I could forgive a man for just about anything. I could even forgive adultery, probably, but ONLY if he told me himself without being pushed to do it at all. That goes back to the slip-up versus conscious betrayal thing…. You see, if he slips up, that could be a moment of weakness. It’d hurt like hell, but we could probably move past it together. If he chose to hide something from me, however, that’s a conscious decision to continuously betray my trust. If he didn’t come clean on his own before I found out the hard way, there would be no forgiving him. No way, no how. So, for example, if I found out on my own that he’d made out with some chick then deceived me, I might never forgive him. However, I might forgive all-out adultery if he confessed on his own.
Now, that’s all retrospect-honesty (coming clean AFTER a mistake) but the same applies. Just be up-front with me and the trust never dies. If we break up and you move on, but you warn me to protect my feelings, I’m gonna feel a lot less tossed aside.
Maybe I’m changing topics or directions, here, but why do some people consider it better to be left in the dark? The way I see it, if I find out the hard way that you deceived me, I can never trust you again. If you mess up but come clean, I never have to worry or suspect, because I know that if you were messing up again you’d let me know – so why worry?
I don’t know. I’ll just never get people. All the “polite” lying and expected deception and sneaking and “protecting” people from the truth… It’s all hogwash. If you care about anyone, you’ll be totally honest with them. It’s just that simple.
posted by TwistedNoggin at 12:19 PM
1 Comments:
Yep. I don't get it either.
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