I Need to work really fast today, really burn through some files. But, I feel like my heart is full of lead. I can’t think at all and my chest physically hurts, as it has since last night. I should be completing one file per hour (at least). Instead, I’ve been here four hours and am finishing up my second file.
I’m a very open person, as evidenced by this blog, I guess.
There are things in my life I’m ashamed of or were bad memories, so I don’t talk about them much, but I still disclose even those things to anyone close to me. I try to remind myself that that is just me, just a personal MO and not necessarily required of anyone. Someone else being a bit secretive is not a betrayal, although it feels like it. It’s just not the way I usually do things.
Someone please remind me that is just me and that I’m just weird, so I can’t smack myself out of this and get over it.
Most people would only be upset if the barriers hid some terrible betrayal behind it. Me, I can trust that what I can’t see is as innocent as what I do see. However, to me… to keep something hidden is in and of itself a betrayal of trust. I feel like I’ve been impaled on a frickin baseball bat, but I can’t say that I’ve been wronged. Just deeply hurt.
After all, my behavior has never once given the slightest reason to keep things from me. I'm always reasonable about things that are in the open. I've done nothing to deserve being shut out. I do freak out when I am shut out and have things hidden from me, but I have never so much as sneezed at whatever was laid out on the table.
Still... like I said, that doesn't mean anyone should have to lay everything on the table at all times, right? So why do I still feel slighted and betrayed?
I'm such an idiot.
I’m a very open person, as evidenced by this blog, I guess.
There are things in my life I’m ashamed of or were bad memories, so I don’t talk about them much, but I still disclose even those things to anyone close to me. I try to remind myself that that is just me, just a personal MO and not necessarily required of anyone. Someone else being a bit secretive is not a betrayal, although it feels like it. It’s just not the way I usually do things.
Someone please remind me that is just me and that I’m just weird, so I can’t smack myself out of this and get over it.
Most people would only be upset if the barriers hid some terrible betrayal behind it. Me, I can trust that what I can’t see is as innocent as what I do see. However, to me… to keep something hidden is in and of itself a betrayal of trust. I feel like I’ve been impaled on a frickin baseball bat, but I can’t say that I’ve been wronged. Just deeply hurt.
After all, my behavior has never once given the slightest reason to keep things from me. I'm always reasonable about things that are in the open. I've done nothing to deserve being shut out. I do freak out when I am shut out and have things hidden from me, but I have never so much as sneezed at whatever was laid out on the table.
Still... like I said, that doesn't mean anyone should have to lay everything on the table at all times, right? So why do I still feel slighted and betrayed?
I'm such an idiot.
posted by TwistedNoggin at 1:13 PM
2 Comments:
I guess it depends on the nature of the secret -- and whether or not it's relevant to the present.
What is kept "secret" is not a bad thing at all, which is why I don't understand it being kept roped off away from me. It is present and continous. It is not a bad thing that is kept hidden from me, it just hurts to be locked out.
Secret isn't exactly the right word. It's more akin to if I had a book I was reading, and I said I was reading it, but I locked the door and hid away while reading it, and never allowed the person closest to me to so much as glimpse the cover.
That probably makes no sense at all.
Post a Comment
<< Home