THE JEWELRY REPORT, with Twisted Noggin

This week in The Jewelry Report, we touch upon the fashions of love...

First, there were just wedding rings, which say, “I am committed to you for life”.

Then, came engagement rings, which say, “I intend to commit to you for life, whenever we can save up for and plan a wedding” (of course, if you are particularly religious, it also says “I get to have sex soon!”, or if you are not “We will definitely get married, but there is no rush, because I’m already banging her anyway”)

More recently, the “Promise Ring” was invented, which says “I seriously intend to someday promise to eventually commit myself to you”. – I think that one is a joke.

Now, I propose the “Like it or not Ring”, (a ring the WOMAN can buy) which says “I am committed to you forever, whether you like it or not”.

With the “Like it or not Ring”, you no longer have to wait until the man realizes your worth and buys you a ring. If you are already a hopeless sucker for him anyway, you can feel free to show your devotion by buying yourself this sparkling trinket. Since diamonds are for engagements, and precious stones for promise rings, I recommend semi-precious stones at the most for a “Like it or not Ring”. Other options are plastic pearls, wads of tin, or perhaps a spike you can drive against your forehead when you are frustrated with that man of your dreams not considering you the woman of his dreams.

This bobble promises to be the next big thing among underappreciated significant others, unrequited lovers, and stalkers alike. If you are the sort of woman who would buy a “Like it or not Ring”, you might also be interested in a barbed-wire bracelet or a thorned tiara. There are, after all, many masochistic options for today’s woman. The choices are only as limited as your imagination.

This is Twisted Noggin with the Jewelry Report. Thank you for tuning in.