Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Sense is anything but common

People are so funny… this girl I work with is grossed out by the fact that I walk around the office barefoot, sometimes. She insists that I will get a fungus on my feet. She said no one vacuums in here. I pointed out that our office is vacuumed every night and the kitchen is mopped every night. I know because I’m here when he does it. Didn't matter to her, still grossed out.

So.. the floors here are cleaner than your average home carpet, and yet it is gross to her that I am barefoot on it.

And then, I bet money she’d go barefoot at a public pool or gym shower, which is the #1 place to pick up athlete’s foot and plantar warts.

Hmm… gross to let relatively clean floors touch one’s bare feet…
But ok to walk barefoot on a wet disease-fest...
spacespace*sigh* I guess we have yet another example of the fact that people are heavily influenced by what is common practice, but rarely ever apply common sense.

No offense to her. I like her just fine, and we all have our little things that bug us, but still… it is funny. :)

PS: today is painfully boring. I have not had ONE file. Some have come in, but somehow they are snatched up before I even see them, and I keep checking and checking. It's really frustrating. My production report will be terrible!
Guess I'll just keep busy with scanning plats in and hope to catch a file soon.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006


Sunlight blissfully curls about your countenance.
The cat stretches out over her favorite forbidden sleep-haven in my clean laundry basket.
The sunlight beams, the cat purrs… the house resonates with a tranquil luminosity.

You have a glow of purity about you… the sort of true light that radiates from deep within; the kind that cannot be stifled by any darkness of days, layers of history, or shades of regret.

I do my best to envelope your precious sleeping frame, holding on tight enough to keep an impression of your warmth in my mind all day.

In this moment, you are much like a perfect child.
And yet, you are the man I admire above all men.

You are self-aware, selfless, loving…
You’re code is your own. You’d let no one write or erase it for you.
Humble, unassuming…
You’ve never really studied the things of God or really sought "spirituality", and yet you embody more of such things than many who study it.

Satan and the Nice Guy

So many stories to every face,
Hard enough to keep them straight.
But, with two tales of marriage and divorce,
People get confused, of course.

So I forgo the names, to keep things clear
And tell tales of heartbreak from tales of fear.
For them to protect, and myself indemnify,
I call them Satan and the Nice Guy.

Satan hails from Hell City itself;
Feeds on others and pure vitriol expels,
Gives kittens concussions and, one can’t deny,
Makes those in his lair wish only to die.

The other, to insure stories aren’t confused,
I call Nice Guy -with him I was not abused.
With him I was politely disliked and ignored,
My love cordially judged, heart quietly gored.

Without names, no more pain can they give;
Reduced to shadows of past deaths I lived.
For how clumsily I flailed, in love’s death throws,
Let my name be The Fool, but that part you know.

By titles, they’re safe from my embittered heart,
And you, saved the trouble of telling them apart.
And now you’ve a poem, in case you wondered why
I call them Satan and the Nice Guy.

Friday, March 17, 2006

V for Vendetta

I’m thrilled. I was afraid they’d ruin it, but they did quite well. I’d heard that some reviewers felt that only the first half hour and last half hour were worth watching. I suppose that if you buy your tickets only to see blood and explosions, and you are incapable of grasping the prose, symbols, and grace of the film… well then, yes. Ignore the middle. The middle involves a little thought, and perhaps that is not for everyone.

I’m not saying it was complex or particularly lofty. The questions it raises, and artfully so, are perhaps most projected towards the average Joe, as the average Joe is the mass to the movement of mankind across time. They are the water to the flow of history. Usually, the Joes of the world are tossed about like mindless mulch, slaves to every whim of wind, rain, or rat that decides to define their places. Plenty of people tell the Joes what to do. Sometimes they obey, sometimes not. Generally the only deciding factor is the charisma of the speaker and the flash of the bribe. But, I think what I love about a work like this is that it slaps people across the face and out of their comfortable haze, asks some hefty questions, and then instead of telling the Joes what their answer should be, it demands they actually think of their own. Perhaps that is, after all the most important first answer, that people start to step back and think for themselves more, and accept the scripted answers less.

Do I think the main character was right? I think the whole work is perfectly wrong and right and beautiful and brutal. It shows how easily our accepted ideals break down when examined from another angle. I’m not lauding V’s destructive acts as some sort of heroism. There was probably a better way to do what needed doing. There usually is. But what is it? Was what he did any worse than our wars, that many cheer and rally behind? I have more respect for his acts than that of the war-makers. I admire the strength of one, to stand against whatever fate and do what that one knows is right. I admire the strength of many, when they chose to stand up against oppression. I am against violence. I am, however, for the integrity to stand up for what you believe, regardless of what anyone else says or does. How I find balance among those things in my life and my choices… well, I wont tell you. Make your own answers.

Is inciting chaos a viable method of restructuring a nation? I suppose the idea is that, when the little wood chips are scattered in so desperate a position, and the gardeners too self-involved to care, all you can do is toss them all in the air… see where the chips may fall and hope they fall where they choose too, not wherever the wind blows, and that they choose wisely. We are, after all, men and women with minds, not mere pulp… aren’t we?
What am I rambling on about, anyway? I loved the movie. I guess that’s all. To some, maybe it’s just another comic-book made into a flick, plus a weird guy in a mask who talks too much but had a couple neat action scenes. I’m pleased, though. I’ve waited many months for this to come out and I was not disappointed.

Monday, March 13, 2006

Dunno about putting full names up here, so I’ll just call her A&W. Well, I haven’t seen A&W in YEARS, but this must be the month to hear from old friends. She tracked me down, through my Dad, and called me today.
It’s funny, I was just thinking about her the other day while listening to Etta James.

But *sigh, pout* I found out she has moved far, far away. :)

Look, I have a REALLY hard time finding chicks that I actually enjoy being around, so we can’t have any of this moving away crapola. Get your @$$ back to Kentuckiana! Don’t make me tell you twice!

In other news… got to see Neisha over the weekend at the local Pub. I hadn’t seen her since high-school, but have known her since grade school. I drink with her brother all the time, but actually got to see her Saturday. She has a glow about her that she never had in all of grade school or high school. Happiness, presumably? It was great to see her.

I also heard from Elisa, via email. Heard from Farrah, whom I haven’t seen in way too long. We hadn’t exactly lost touch, but hadn’t exactly kept up with each other either. Wait till Farrah finds out I heard from A&W! :) Wait till she sees A&W’s baby’s pictures. He’s 10feet of cuteness distilled into just a tiny thing. :)

An ounce of prevention vs a pint of pleasure

How many times have I said, “sure, I can’t have bread, pasta, sweets, restaurant food, anything pre-prepared or whatever… but I can still have Guinness!”? Honestly, I’d rather say I could have oreo ice cream than beer, but you take what you can get. (and, if I ever buy a large high-quality electric ice-cream maker, I could make ice cream that I can eat. It would take a lot of time, but could be done).

Well, I’ve done an amazing job of staying away from my death-foods lately. I haven’t had ANY gluten, soy, sugar, or aspartame in over a month (except for the soy that lying @$#!*&% restaurant poisoned me with Friday), but I was still having tummy problems, so I decided to test myself and see if Guinness was part of the problem. Most celiacs say it’s bad, but some experts say that gluten is broken down during the fermentation process into harmless peptides. Anyway… so I’ve gone without Guinness some, and the two last times I tried to drink Guinness, my stomach acted up. Maybe I just hadn’t eaten enough, so the alcohol soured my belly. Maybe it was coincidence, but it looks like I just may have to give up beer.

I don’t like to get drunk. I rarely ever even drink enough to get tipsy. But, I really like to settle down on the leather couch at my favorite pub and slowly sip a tasty beverage while I listen to Dave pick on all the new people. It’s a place to go out, even when you’ve got no one with you, but it isn’t some loud bar-scene meat market kinda place. How will I hang out there if I can’t drink anything? Someone suggested I just get the root beer (the root beer they serve there is SO good), but of course I can’t drink sodas because of the sugar. I’ve always been a glutton. For me, looking forward to a piece of cheesecake at the end of the day is a reason to go to work. But, I can’t have any kind of cake… no cookies… no doughnuts, pasta, pizza, hamburgers, ice cream, etc… So, I haven’t really got a lot of taste-treats to look forward to. When Brussels’s sprouts become a treat to you, you know your eating options suck. But, Guinness is really tasty. It’s no chocolate stout, and sometimes I wish I could have a Beak’s Best or a something different for a change, but Guinness is the most belly-gentle, and tastes so smooth and creamy… it’s mild as milk, but with a heartiness to its flavor like bread and stew. It’s low in alcohol, has nitrogen instead of carbonation (thus is really smooth on the tummy), etc… It’s not a fancy beer, but it’s a nice treat. Another treat scratched off my list, I guess.

It could be worse, though. I’m lucky to know about my food problems and thus be able to make myself healthier. The longer I stick to my diet, the easier it gets. I’m working out a little, hope to get a heavy bag soon (my poor little boxing gloves have been so neglected), and we’re coming up on hiking season. Sure, I’ll miss brownies and beer, but feeling strong and healthy is a greater gift than any food. Gotta appreciate what you’ve got.

Friday, March 10, 2006

And I'll have fun fun fun till my boyfriend takes the microphone away...

Last night, I got to play “band practice” again.
Not everyone was there, just me, the bass player (aka, my super-hot talented genius boyfriend), and one of the guitar players (aka, Richard, manager of the “lucky leprechaun lounge in the basement of Flaherty’s III” – ie, Richard’s basement). I just sing (or try to, anyway).

It was fun. We did “Don’t Think Twice”, as performed by Susan Tedeschi. It’s both fun and easy to sing. We made one semi-attempt at Tied to the Whipping Post, but that kind of fizzled. I forget why. Anyway… the highlight was when they started making something up and I got to make up a few words as we went along. That was a blast.

Anyway… it was a lot of fun. I hope we get to do it again very soon. :D

I’d like to record our singing at least one song, if for no other reason than just to preserve the memory of getting to sing with the band. Whenever that happens, I’ll try to figure out how to post it for you to hear.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

like tonic for the weary

Isn’t it weird?

If you feel a hole inside you,
Trying to fill it up makes it worse
But giving away actually helps.
It’s a cheesy and clichéd concept,
But true, nonetheless.

I was feeling dark the other day,
From stress, job stress, fatigue, and
(pardon my forthrightness) PMS.

Nothing made it better. I was really floundering.
So, I started thinking about people around me.
They each have their own shadows to contend with.
I wished I could reach out, somehow,
and give them some sort of whatever I needed too.

So, I took a bunch of stupid-lame pictures that I have saved on my computer,
Just random things that I see beauty in,
And I sent them all in an email to my friends.

And you say “how gay… totally brokeback”, neh?

Yeah, maybe so, and especially weird coming from me – the one who never forwards what I call “cheesy crap”, the friendship chain-letters dotted with pictures of angels or pixies or women hugging. I appreciate the motivation behind people sending them, but I’m really not into the emails.
But, the reaching out in some tiny positive way made me feel better.
I hope it made some of the receivers feel good, too (but I’m guessing that most reacted more with a big “huh?”).

Then, I added some email addresses of people I never really talk to any more (and one I’ve never talked to, but that’s a long story).
I heard back from one chick I haven’t seen in AGES. That was great.
-Hi Elisa!!!
At least one person really liked my retarded little email.
-Thanks, Josh. :)

So… just sending it (ie, reaching out to give something to others, as worthless as the gift might be) made me feel better.
Then, a couple people reached back to me.
Even better.

Thanks to those of you who replied. You’re good people.
Sorry I had nothing more worthy of sending. :)

I guess sometimes you just gotta say "eh, screw the walls" and drop pretty pictures from airplanes until you feel you've surmounted them.
Yeah... it's totally weird (even for me). Yes, it's cheesy and corny and all that. But hey... who really cares? :D
If everyone in the world were as direct as I am, I would be SO happy.
But then, not everyone likes what I like. Many people probably wish I were less direct.

Geez, though… why does everything have to be so freakin complicated?
People make these mazes of confusion out of nothing, and for no reason. Much ado about nothing. People worry about the reactions of others, and so try to make all these barriers. Then the barriers worry the others, and everyone gets scared and crazy. –it’s nonsense. Me, I’m admittedly the type who freaks out at the barriers. Not in the usual way, though. I don’t care what’s behind the barrier. I guess I’m mostly just horribly offended that there are barriers. Perhaps even more than that, I have a tendency to automatically hate anything that has no logical reason for existing, and some barriers are that way.

If I suspect that someone has a problem with me, I generally just address it. If I have a problem with anyone else, I address it.

I had a friend, once. His mom (yes, his mom) distrusted me. I’d never even met her. So, what did she do? She called me and told me she distrusted me. You know, I had nothing in common with her, for the most part, but I loved her from that moment on. We talked, we both felt better, and all was well. If I had known that she distrusted me, I would have called her myself. That’s the way I like it. Clean, simple, and everyone can be happy.

If you SUSPECT I have a problem with you, I can almost guarantee I don’t. (because if I did, I’d hunt down your phone number or address, some way, somehow, and tell you so). I don’t care who you are. I don’t care of you’re the president of the company that employs me, a pauper, a millionaire, my boyfriend’s best friend, dad’s best friend, or a publisher with tons of dough to offer me. Doesn’t matter who. If I have even the slightest inkling of a problem with you, you have either heard it direct from my lips, or you have imagined it or been misinformed. If you are still unconvinced, or suspect I don’t have your number or address, contact me. I will tell you what I think of you with 100% honesty, the good, bad, and indifferent.

My boyfriend has a friend that was ALWAYS calling us at 4am. Sometimes, he’d call several times in a night… once at 2am… again at 3:45… etc… and I had to get up for work the next morning. Stephen asked him not to, but he didn’t listen. Finally, after the night that he pulled that while my niece was trying to sleep off the worst day of her life (the day she found out her parents were divorcing), I called him myself. I probably cussed him up one side and down the other. I don’t really remember for sure, but I told him exactly what I thought about the phone calls. I think we understand each other on that, now. Honestly, I like the guy. I don’t want him to hate me or to avoid hanging out when I’m around, but I believe in treating people with respect, and dishonesty is disrespect, so I told him exactly what I thought. I like him. He’s tons of fun to hang out with, can really crack me up, and is a laid-back kind of guy, which I appreciate. As far as I know, he’s a good guy. He’s Stephen’s friend, so he must be a pretty good guy.
The thing us, I’d like for us to be friends. I really would. But, that aint gonna happen if I communicate with him only through Stephen. There had to be some direct communication. There was. As far as I’m concerned, we’re good now. I hope we are. From what Stephen says, he’s a pretty direct guy too. So, I guess I’d know if he hated me. :P

I just wish everyone made things that simple. Someone in my life has been around a lot of jealous people, apparently, and his fears of jealousy has already affected us.
Now, I have had a crash course in exposure to jealousy, because I was with a jealous man in the past, and I honestly wished I was, at least a tiny bit, the jealous type. That may sound odd, but if I understood the emotion, I could have better understood the way he was treating me. But, I don’t get it. I just can’t comprehend it really. If a friend comes to me and says she thinks her man is wronging her I say “do you trust him?”. If she says no, it doesn’t matter if he’s a saint or a demon. If you don’t trust him, you don’t belong with him. Either he’s the wrong man for you, or you need to work through some issues of your own. I’ve never been in a relationship with a man I didn’t trust, at least in that regard. It’s illogical. It makes no sense. Why bother? After all, I’m with the man I’m with now because of who he is, a man I have tremendous respect for. I wouldn’t waste my time with a man I didn’t respect. Obviously, you wouldn’t respect anyone you considered untrustworthy.

But despite that, many people are jealous. Some, on the other hand, just fear jealousy and, for one reason or another, put up walls because of those fears. I tell ya… if you ever want to see me go nuts, all you need is some walls (especially if I can’t comprehend any logical reason for their existence, because I will analyze it until I’m blue in the face, thanks to my obsessive need to understand everything).

I try to look away from the wall, pretend it isn’t there, but that just isn’t my nature. I end up analyzing every brick… staring at it… I’m fine with what’s on the other side. I don’t need to see the other side. I’m sure the grass is, in reality, the same shade of green over there that it is over here. But, the wall… like some inexplicable monolith obstructing a road for no reason… supporting not roof… serving no apparent purpose… I can’t leave it and can’t ignore it. Eventually, I will poke at it. I would never hammer at it or get angry at it, but I will poke. Of course, the problem with that is that I have long fingers (much like my long nose), so they can poke right through. Once you poke a little hole in a wall, the person who built that wall may get mighty offended, or at least “irked”. Then I’m left feeling like a total schmuck for having poked at someone’s wall.
Sorry. No offense to your masonry, I just tend to want to study things I don’t understand. It made no sense to me… it’s been there a long time and hasn’t gone away… eventually, a person’s likely to poke at it. If you put a dozen pad locks on a closet, I’m going to stare at it and wonder why on earth it’s there. I know what’s in the closet, and it’s nothing that needs to be locked up, so why the locks? Is it an insult to me, that you don’t trust me around a couple mops and some winter coats? I mean, seriously, who’s gonna not see that as weird?

Anyway, so you put a wall in front of me or something else that, to me, makes no sense and I will not be able to leave it alone. That’s just how I am.
I need to learn to let go of that more. I have learned to some, but not enough, I guess.
Especially in this world… a world of hiding and whispering and worrying and side-stepping. How simple it would be, for everyone involved, if they’d just stop creating barriers based on foolish ideas, insecurities, social taboo’s, etc... etc…

Sometimes the whole human race seems so chaotic and irrational that I just want to escape to the desert. What the f#@k is up with people?

It aint that hard, folks. I swear it isn’t. Say what you think. Analyze yourself to make sure it’s the truth. That’s all you’ve gotta do. If you suspect there might be any misunderstanding or misconceptions between you an another person, contact them and talk it out.
Yeah… that’s real freaking hard. (rolls eyes).

How about I make you a deal, world…
World, you learn to be direct and directly address anything that has to do with you… stop allowing so many pointless walls, etc…
And I, in turn, will try not to freak out so badly at the locked closets in my house, ok?

I guess if someone feels the need to treat simple and everyday things like they are top-secret vault-worthy killer robots, then that’s their prerogative. I find it very crazy, but I guess everyone is allowed to be a little crazy now and then. I have my crazy moments (like the way I freak out at locked closets in my house). If your craziness expresses itself by hiding things that need not be hidden, I’ll try to adjust. I’ll stay away from your locked closet.

At least I can admit when I’m being crazy, though. I wish I could say the same for everyone.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

I Need to work really fast today, really burn through some files. But, I feel like my heart is full of lead. I can’t think at all and my chest physically hurts, as it has since last night. I should be completing one file per hour (at least). Instead, I’ve been here four hours and am finishing up my second file.

I’m a very open person, as evidenced by this blog, I guess.
There are things in my life I’m ashamed of or were bad memories, so I don’t talk about them much, but I still disclose even those things to anyone close to me. I try to remind myself that that is just me, just a personal MO and not necessarily required of anyone. Someone else being a bit secretive is not a betrayal, although it feels like it. It’s just not the way I usually do things.
Someone please remind me that is just me and that I’m just weird, so I can’t smack myself out of this and get over it.

Most people would only be upset if the barriers hid some terrible betrayal behind it. Me, I can trust that what I can’t see is as innocent as what I do see. However, to me… to keep something hidden is in and of itself a betrayal of trust. I feel like I’ve been impaled on a frickin baseball bat, but I can’t say that I’ve been wronged. Just deeply hurt.

After all, my behavior has never once given the slightest reason to keep things from me. I'm always reasonable about things that are in the open. I've done nothing to deserve being shut out. I do freak out when I am shut out and have things hidden from me, but I have never so much as sneezed at whatever was laid out on the table.

Still... like I said, that doesn't mean anyone should have to lay everything on the table at all times, right? So why do I still feel slighted and betrayed?

I'm such an idiot.


...1 chop off!

This picture looks really dumb, but it's another way I style it (kinda pushed forward and messy). I do it different ways on different days.
Anyway... so you get the idea. I chopped the hair off. It's fun to have short hair again. It's been quite a while. Of course, now I'll grow it out again. :)

OH YEAH! I almost forgot. I got new glasses too. Aren't the glasses cute? I like them a lot and since my old glasses were 5 or 6 years out of date, it has made a world of difference in actually being able to SEE! :)

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Anybody wanna help me out, here?

I know it's cheesy anyway, but editing help is appreciated just the same....

Easy to look down your nose at others
When you’re flat on your back in the mud;
But the strong lift up those around them.
Only weak ones resort to a snub.

A wise man finds much still to learn
from every soul he meets.
A fool sees no value in others,
and is thus too dumb to teach.

If you need to drag down a person
To lift yourself up high
That itself proves he was above you
And that you were too weak to fly. (-lame, requires edit)

To be wise, see the insight of others.
To be great, bring them into your arms.
To be strong, strengthen those around you
And blah blah blah blah blah blah blarms.(-requires line)

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

The traits that mean the most to me in people are the hardest to identify. There is a certain integrity, a certain inner-code, that makes a person try to see things clearly. These people are slow to judge, but just saying nonjudgmental doesn’t describe it. It’s more a matter of trying to see things for what they are, and being aware of the limits of your knowledge. It’s more like an inner metal, forged of compassion, wisdom, humility, intelligence and even a hint of detachment, that creates a certain structure and strength in a person. These people think for themselves and are not swayed by people around them. They see with their own eyes. I guess the label is “strength of character” but that’s a bit vague.

Anyway, I find this very rare in people; barely even existent, and that only in degrees. But, this trait is part of why, as I witness and experience him in life, my respect for Stephen only grows and intensifies. He’s a good man. Loving this man is made up of a lot less simple acceptance than I’m used to, and a lot more respect.

He's so quiet, except for the occassional quip, I wonder how many people walk around him unaware of his greatness.