If everyone in the world were as direct as I am, I would be SO happy.
But then, not everyone likes what I like. Many people probably wish I were less direct.
Geez, though… why does everything have to be so freakin complicated?
People make these mazes of confusion out of nothing, and for no reason. Much ado about nothing. People worry about the reactions of others, and so try to make all these barriers. Then the barriers worry the others, and everyone gets scared and crazy. –it’s nonsense. Me, I’m admittedly the type who freaks out at the barriers. Not in the usual way, though. I don’t care what’s behind the barrier. I guess I’m mostly just horribly offended that there are barriers. Perhaps even more than that, I have a tendency to automatically hate anything that has no logical reason for existing, and some barriers are that way.
If I suspect that someone has a problem with me, I generally just address it. If I have a problem with anyone else, I address it.
I had a friend, once. His mom (yes, his mom) distrusted me. I’d never even met her. So, what did she do? She called me and told me she distrusted me. You know, I had nothing in common with her, for the most part, but I loved her from that moment on. We talked, we both felt better, and all was well. If I had known that she distrusted me, I would have called her myself. That’s the way I like it. Clean, simple, and everyone can be happy.
If you SUSPECT I have a problem with you, I can almost guarantee I don’t. (because if I did, I’d hunt down your phone number or address, some way, somehow, and tell you so). I don’t care who you are. I don’t care of you’re the president of the company that employs me, a pauper, a millionaire, my boyfriend’s best friend, dad’s best friend, or a publisher with tons of dough to offer me. Doesn’t matter who. If I have even the slightest inkling of a problem with you, you have either heard it direct from my lips, or you have imagined it or been misinformed. If you are still unconvinced, or suspect I don’t have your number or address, contact me. I will tell you what I think of you with 100% honesty, the good, bad, and indifferent.
My boyfriend has a friend that was ALWAYS calling us at 4am. Sometimes, he’d call several times in a night… once at 2am… again at 3:45… etc… and I had to get up for work the next morning. Stephen asked him not to, but he didn’t listen. Finally, after the night that he pulled that while my niece was trying to sleep off the worst day of her life (the day she found out her parents were divorcing), I called him myself. I probably cussed him up one side and down the other. I don’t really remember for sure, but I told him exactly what I thought about the phone calls. I think we understand each other on that, now. Honestly, I like the guy. I don’t want him to hate me or to avoid hanging out when I’m around, but I believe in treating people with respect, and dishonesty is disrespect, so I told him exactly what I thought. I like him. He’s tons of fun to hang out with, can really crack me up, and is a laid-back kind of guy, which I appreciate. As far as I know, he’s a good guy. He’s Stephen’s friend, so he must be a pretty good guy.
The thing us, I’d like for us to be friends. I really would. But, that aint gonna happen if I communicate with him only through Stephen. There had to be some direct communication. There was. As far as I’m concerned, we’re good now. I hope we are. From what Stephen says, he’s a pretty direct guy too. So, I guess I’d know if he hated me. :P
I just wish everyone made things that simple. Someone in my life has been around a lot of jealous people, apparently, and his fears of jealousy has already affected us.
Now, I have had a crash course in exposure to jealousy, because I was with a jealous man in the past, and I honestly wished I was, at least a tiny bit, the jealous type. That may sound odd, but if I understood the emotion, I could have better understood the way he was treating me. But, I don’t get it. I just can’t comprehend it really. If a friend comes to me and says she thinks her man is wronging her I say “do you trust him?”. If she says no, it doesn’t matter if he’s a saint or a demon. If you don’t trust him, you don’t belong with him. Either he’s the wrong man for you, or you need to work through some issues of your own. I’ve never been in a relationship with a man I didn’t trust, at least in that regard. It’s illogical. It makes no sense. Why bother? After all, I’m with the man I’m with now because of who he is, a man I have tremendous respect for. I wouldn’t waste my time with a man I didn’t respect. Obviously, you wouldn’t respect anyone you considered untrustworthy.
But despite that, many people are jealous. Some, on the other hand, just fear jealousy and, for one reason or another, put up walls because of those fears. I tell ya… if you ever want to see me go nuts, all you need is some walls (especially if I can’t comprehend any logical reason for their existence, because I will analyze it until I’m blue in the face, thanks to my obsessive need to understand everything).
I try to look away from the wall, pretend it isn’t there, but that just isn’t my nature. I end up analyzing every brick… staring at it… I’m fine with what’s on the other side. I don’t need to see the other side. I’m sure the grass is, in reality, the same shade of green over there that it is over here. But, the wall… like some inexplicable monolith obstructing a road for no reason… supporting not roof… serving no apparent purpose… I can’t leave it and can’t ignore it. Eventually, I will poke at it. I would never hammer at it or get angry at it, but I will poke. Of course, the problem with that is that I have long fingers (much like my long nose), so they can poke right through. Once you poke a little hole in a wall, the person who built that wall may get mighty offended, or at least “irked”. Then I’m left feeling like a total schmuck for having poked at someone’s wall.
Sorry. No offense to your masonry, I just tend to want to study things I don’t understand. It made no sense to me… it’s been there a long time and hasn’t gone away… eventually, a person’s likely to poke at it. If you put a dozen pad locks on a closet, I’m going to stare at it and wonder why on earth it’s there. I know what’s in the closet, and it’s nothing that needs to be locked up, so why the locks? Is it an insult to me, that you don’t trust me around a couple mops and some winter coats? I mean, seriously, who’s gonna not see that as weird?
Anyway, so you put a wall in front of me or something else that, to me, makes no sense and I will not be able to leave it alone. That’s just how I am.
I need to learn to let go of that more. I have learned to some, but not enough, I guess.
Especially in this world… a world of hiding and whispering and worrying and side-stepping. How simple it would be, for everyone involved, if they’d just stop creating barriers based on foolish ideas, insecurities, social taboo’s, etc... etc…
Sometimes the whole human race seems so chaotic and irrational that I just want to escape to the desert. What the f#@k is up with people?
It aint that hard, folks. I swear it isn’t. Say what you think. Analyze yourself to make sure it’s the truth. That’s all you’ve gotta do. If you suspect there might be any misunderstanding or misconceptions between you an another person, contact them and talk it out.
Yeah… that’s real freaking hard. (rolls eyes).
How about I make you a deal, world…
World, you learn to be direct and directly address anything that has to do with you… stop allowing so many pointless walls, etc…
And I, in turn, will try not to freak out so badly at the locked closets in my house, ok?
I guess if someone feels the need to treat simple and everyday things like they are top-secret vault-worthy killer robots, then that’s their prerogative. I find it very crazy, but I guess everyone is allowed to be a little crazy now and then. I have my crazy moments (like the way I freak out at locked closets in my house). If your craziness expresses itself by hiding things that need not be hidden, I’ll try to adjust. I’ll stay away from your locked closet.
At least I can admit when I’m being crazy, though. I wish I could say the same for everyone.