Planning what to wear for the company christmas party... making sure I have a long-sleeve dress for un-namable reasons;...

Making it to work each day, despite the weight of the mask that stumbles me...


So hard. it's all so fucking hard. But I'll keep on going.

I just do the best I can.

The Truth

I was ok at first. I was free from one pain, anyway.

Maybe you know. Maybe it's obvious.
But sometimes admitting helps recovery, right?

I'm in the midst of the worst depression I've ever known.

Just keeping my job is a huge struggle. Just getting up, brushing my teeth and getting dressed... it's a tremendous struggle. You have no idea.
No idea how hard I fight just to keep on going.

This isn't working.
I pray it will get better. I fight my own darkness constantly.
Surely it must get easier. Surely it will.

So, I hold on. Mainly for Tori, but I hold on.

Braided Nerd

 

Me before I chopped my hair off.

 

I've been watching this movie called Art School Confidential. I love it, for the most part. All the BS of the art world... so true.

I related to the main kid a LOT (in the beginning, at least). My style of drawing is very traditional, at least at first glance. I'm in love with the beauty of subtlety... the exquisite humanity of the overlooked... that's what I draw. Most people see a figure, drawn representationally, and never look beyond it. Never notice the subtle differences.

I felt some pressure, in college, to have a "style" that stood out. But, I love art too much to cling to gimics. I suppose my "style" happened on its own when I started to actually paint. I am SO fascinated by the strokes and pigments, that I love to let them show and not over-finish a painting, if that makes any sense. It isn't a style so much as a fact... you can see by looking at them that I just love spreading the paint on the canvas. The subject matter is inconsequential.

Is this my defining style, though? Who gives a f---. Maybe what I paint next year will be totally traditional and representational. Maybe not. Who cares? I do what I do out of pure love, though. If no one else ever gives it so much as a nod, so be it. I beleive in what I do because I love doing it. I paint what I want to see on the canvas. That's all that matters to me.

As for the movie... I hated the ending. The kid had a passion for art, and he chucked it in favor of notariety. But hey... they sure revealed the BS of the art world well. It was no exageration at all. 100% true.

tonight...

I cooked ahead for tomorrow.
For lunch, I'll have bits of steak with a tiny bit of diced persimmon (picked up a nice fresh one, sweet, not tart - very mild) covered in a bombay-style curry sauce (I cheated and used jarred sauce, this time) and saffron rice.
For dinner, I'll be having a cajun oyster et toufee (I can cook it, but not spell it) with asparagus. I made a side of spicy creole rice that I piled up with red bell pepper, sweet corn, and yams.

Some of that may sound a bit odd, but you'd be surprised at how good it is.
Maybe I'll make chili or meatloaf next time to balance my habits. :P

Gotta cook ahead to eat healthy.

I realized something about my own tendencies towards choosing avatars. I don't like pics that are too flattering. Just natural. I look sleep-deprived in the new one, but that fits. I'm worn out, these days.

G'night folks.

Cowboy Junkies-Misguided Angel

blink 182 - i miss you live on pepsi smash

Wet Paint

As much fun as watching paint dry.
I have no idea why I recorded this, other than this is who I am. This is what I do. I spread colors on canvas.
I paint therefore I am.

A Badge of Honor

I honestly try not to get paint on myself. But, when I finish painting and see the lush colors on my plain skin, I feel a little more alive. Some people can feel alive just with air in their lungs and blood in their veins. But, for me, it also requires Prussian Blue and Burnt Umber on my hands.
 

The Glass Cage

I think my favorites among my paintings are those that I slop together in two hours or less. This one took maybe 20 to 30 minutes. Expressive slop. I really like making fun, expressive, slop. I may end up tweaking a couple tiny shadows or something before I wash out my brushes. Dunno. But I'll probably just leave it as it is... an impulsive little burst of creativity. 

Just Josh'n

I went to Indy, this weekend, to visit Joshua. Would ya beleive it's been about 15 years since I've seen him? Wow. It was terrific to see him again. Just awesome. :D And, who would beleive, that the other third of the "JoshKatJosh" club (as I had titled a pic of us back in the day) lived just down the road! So, we went to visit JoshJ, and take a gander at his awesome art. I love the spooky monkey. He draws a terrific spooky monkey.
In addition to seeing too old buds, I made a new freind as well. His name is Max and (Sheba forgive me) is probably THE coolest cat I have ever met. He plays fetch, by the way.
I managed to only laugh coffee out my nose once, but there was much laughing. Much fun. :)

Rest in Pieces

As a dark joke on the mourning, when a loved one dies you are expected to pick a phrase or poem to put on those little pamphlet-like things that people take home from funerals. You might choose a bible verse, an uplifting poem, an old Irish blessing, or whatever. Me, however? I want mine to say "Does this coffin make my butt look big?".
That's what I want mine to say, and I'm NOT kidding. So, take notes family. So far I have two requirements, now, for my post-death plans. A) I want Nina Simone and Billie Holiday played during the visitation. B) I want my little flyer-thingies to say "Does this coffin make my butt look big?".

A friend of mine had a good one. He said his should say "I knew this would happen."
THAT would be perfect for your dry-witted pessimistic loved ones. I think that's genius. That just kills me (no pun intended).

How about you guys? Got any funny ideas for those weird funeral-flyers?

PS: I also want cans tied to one end of my coffin, beneath writing that says "Just kicked!", and maybe a bumper-sticker that says "Valhalla or bust". Also, a tap coming out of my coffin that dispenses beer would rock.

Damn.... if my family really does follow my wishes when I kick, then I'm gonna miss one hell of a party. I seriously hope they do, though. The tap would cost too much, but I hope they do the rest of that. :)

Feel free to have Karaoke, too. And be sure to dress me in go-go boots.

To Crazy and back (well... not quite back yet)

I mentioned, a month or so ago, that I wanted this phrase on a t-shirt. Joshua put this cute drawing with it and put it on a shirt at cafepress. Is it awesome or what?

okgo treadmills

I'm in love with this video. I want to go play on some treadmills, now!

Fiona Apple

She has so many great songs... I could fill my blog with them.

If people had the slightest idea of how much darkness slushes around in my head, they would all write me off as crazy and stay far, far away. (and they do)
However,
If people fully knew the extent and nature of that same darkness, they'd laud me as a tower of strength for walking around and breathing despite it.

Cat Ballou - The Ballad of Cat Ballou

I'm not wicked, I'm just drawn that way.
Actually, this is from a movie. Have you seen it?
I haven't seen it in years, but it's a great movie and I just love Lee Marvin.

This is my dad, back when he was yet a wee navy pup. I just think it's a cool pic.

The Best Borscht

I love Borscht. The broth is so rich and flavorful. Yum!
I usually make my borscht with beef, but this time I made the broth with a big bambi bone, and then added ground turkey to the finished soup. It still tastes very beefy, of course. I love that crazy ruby color. It's strange to eat soup that looks like rasperry juice, but it's good stuff. (also I painted my lips with the beet juice while chopping them, and acted like I'd been shot when my hands were all red with beet blood, but I just like clowning around with my neice.
Although I am an "eat your vegetables" kind of aunt, and I do inflict cruel and strange rules on them (like no Nintendog at the table in a restaurant), I do beleive adults should have fun with kids. And, Tori is a mighty fun kid. By the way, there was a large amount of meat on the deer bone I'd made the broth with, and I was going to seperate the bone and meat out so I could put the meat back in the soup, but I turned my back on the dog and... well... you can guess the rest. He left nothing but a tiny peice of bone, and licked every drop of the juice off the floor. Ick.

My day

Harry was being such a cuddly little baby this morning, that I didn't want to get out of bed. He kept rolling around and laying his head on me and being so cute. But, I eventually got up and started cleaning the house... The pets simply can't resist a clean and hair-free couch, so they declared a truce (they normally wont get very near eachother) in order to join forces and pepper the couch with fur. (the photo is dark, but I suppose you get the idea).
Then, Tori came over. We sat and talked quite a bit, chatting in the office, and then went to the coffee shop and the grocery. Then, I showed her the trumpet and asked if it was similar enough to the french horn (which she plays) for her to work.
She played some school band stuff, then I pulled up some Miles Davis on the computer to see how she'd adjust to jam with him. I was quite proud, considering her age and all.

Then, I had her show me how and I took a turn.

Why I love my father:

1) because he once parked at the side of the road, aiming a hairdryer at traffic. Yes, people slowed down.

2) during one of THE most stressful, awkward, and direly serious moments of my life, he sang a Dr. Dimento song with me and laughed.

3) He lives in a pole barn.

4) He isn't always right, but he always has some logic to his thinking.

I could list plenty more reasons, but those came to mind first.

While I'm on the topic of some of the people I love...
My sister is beautiful, and I'm blessed to know her.
Brandi is my hero.
Josh Powell is an angel, and I send him a huge hug.
Dave Siltz is the weirdest normal person I know, and I love him for it.
One of the greatest friends I've ever had, knows how to be always with me and give me tons of joy without even being in the room. (haven't seen him in almost 2 years, yet he is ALWAYS there for me)
My aunt Connie is one of the coolest people I never see.
George and Vic rock.
The Grey Ghost is a wonderful, impressive person, and is a special pocket of creativity in a rather uncreative land.
My neices are amazing, and I'd best sign off and clean the house before Tori gets here. :)

Hair cut of the week

I am still growing my hair out, but it needed some sort of shape during this tweener-stage, so I shaped it up just a bit, and added bangs. Most of it I left alone, though.
My hair is always changing these days. I like to have fun with it. I added some brown streaks a week or two ago. 

'Tater'misu

I'd have to say that the concept was a great success, though this particular experiment (test 1) was a failure. I've never cooked with tapioca before (especially what I rough-ground myself) so I underestimated it's moisture and time requirements in order to cook properly. You could just about crack a tooth on the crust. That's super-easy to adjust for, though. Plus, I think it needs more almonds anyway, so I may just make the crust entirely of almond meal and butter next time. I LOVE that almond meal - yum!

The rest of it was perfect. I've been scraping everything off of the crust and eating it. Mmmm... mascarpone cheese... such divine stuff. I even drizzled a touch of extra almond liqueour over this slice, but I think that was too much. The amount already in the desert had been just right. So anyway... the sweet potatoe pie has gone italian gourmet, kinda sorta, and I like it. I don't know what to call it, but it's pretty dern good. Oh, and by the way... I layed that tile all by myself. That's on the kitchen island we built. I started recording some "music" tonight, too. I was going to try and wing a few notes on the trumpet to add in to the mix, but apparently there is some sort of know-how involved, and the most I know about a trumpet is which end to blow in to. When I get the recording done, I'll share it with you. It'll probably just be odd noise, though, much like CoffeeBeerandCigarettes was.

Later, ya'll.

I'm drooling in anticipation... ovens are so slow!

I often am grabbed by sudden flashes of inspiration. Sometimes it’s a sculpture I don’t have the tools to make. Sometimes a painting I haven’t the skill to make. Sometimes it’s a song, a book, a dress, etc… Sometimes it’s food. After all, what can be more inspiring than food? J

Today I had a sudden craving for sweet potatoes. Then, that craving spiraled into a more complex craving… cinnamon, mascarpone cheese, almonds… (after all, inspiration is, in my opinion, little more than a complex craving or impulse).

So, I went to the grocery and rushed home to cook. Cooking was put on hold for the one person important enough to make me choose talking on the phone (which I hate) over food (which I love)… my neice called me. Tori always trumps food, even mascarpone cheese.

Anyway… I finally got to it. I made a crust from real butter, tapioca pearls that I roughly ground in the coffee grinder, and a bit of almond meal. Then I blended cooked sweet potatoes with Saigon cinnamon, fresh-ground nutmeg, more butter (can you tell I love butter?), and a bunch of clover honey. I spread that layer over the crust. Then, I blended mascarpone cheese with a healthy dose of almond liqoeur, a bit of cinnamon, and some Stevia liquid for sweetness. It looked so pretty, spreading in fluffy ripples from the mixer blades… ah, food. I love it.

Then, I carefully spread the mascarpone layer over the potato layer and drizzled it with more honey (which I hope will brown into a carmely-glazy top). I topped it with slivered almonds and popped it into the oven.

Cross your fingers and let’s hope it was a good idea. J I can’t wait to taste it.
Now I guess I’d better get to chopping beets. I’m making some venison borscht.

By the way, my apoligies to those of you I need to get in touch with. I can't email from work, and home is usually either a rush to cook and take care of the pets, or just time for crashing. I've been very tired, and was sick over the weekend. I hope everyone is well, though.

Madeleine Peyroux - I'm All Right

World's Tallest Geisha

The wig was beat to hell, already, by this point, and my make-up was awful, but it was still fun to wear my favorite kimono. My shoulders hurt for a couple days, though, just from tying that Nagoya obi. Those are rather difficult.