Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Eat a Sunny Day

Sunflower seeds are one of the best food sources of Phenylaline, a precursor of Dopamine. Dopamine is the neurotransmitter at the root of ADD, addictive tendancies, and is one of the neurotransmitters affecting depression.

I'll have to go buy myself a bunch of sunflower seeds today. Of course, maintaining a stable level of dopamine is key, so does that mean I have to eat a set amount of seeds every so often all day every day, or will my body store up phenylaline until it needs to turn it into Tyrosine and Dopamine?

Dunno. But I'm gonna start eating lots of Sunflower seeds.

Sunflower Seeds... they may not really keep vampires away, but they could protect us theta-wave surfers from drowning in our own noggins.
I really hate admitting that I would need medicine to help me, but all shame and pride aside, I’m an honest sort… so let’s be honest.
I am not perfect. Big F-ing surprise.

Now, I am not one who takes the idea of medicine lightly.
I refused to take regular allergy medication, despite my doctor’s insistence, and learned to reduce allergens in my environment and diet instead.
Instead of the daily migraine pills my doctor suggested, I learned to avoid migraine triggers, plus I take a tiny bit of butterbur extract just during one week per month.
I no longer use Advair. By making some tough dietary changes, I eliminated the need for it.
The modern way would have had me taking pills for IBS, but instead I found my food allergies and cut them out of my diet.
I could have listened to the “expert” and become dependant on Thyroid medication FOR LIFE, but I found another doc who tried a different surgery and so I take absolutely nothing for my now-healthy thyroid.
I get some very sever pain from my endometriosis sometimes, but I ignore it. I take no pain pills, hormone pills, or any of the other things doctors would suggest. I usually wont even take advil for it (scoffs… as if advil could touch that kind of pain anyway).

Generally, I believe you are as strong as you chose to be. I am not a sickly person, and because I found the roots of most of my problems and have gone all dietary-nazi on myself, I have taken control of them. I consider medication to be a last resort. I also consider it an evil to be carefully weighed against the evil of any health problem, because sometimes the health problem is the lesser of evils.

However, after fighting and kicking and being the stubborn cast-iron-skulled gal that I often am, I accepted what I learned through years of experience; that all my will-power games, self-analysis, and determination can never really compensate for my chemical imbalance. I have to take something or my life suffers, my job suffers, and anyone willing to get close to me suffers. My ADD & Depression are just too paralyzing to be fighting all the time without any help.
While we are on the topic of ADD. Why do almost all the articles act as if ADD and ADHD are the same thing and require the same treatment, etc.. etc… ? They are quite similar, but create different problems. I’ve been researching, trying to see what medications might help that paralyzing ADD feeling, but all I find are mentions of how certain medications are great at treating the hyperactivity, nervousness, etc… etc… THAT AINT MY PROBLEM. What kind of idiot can’t tell the difference between damn-near catatonia and freakin hyperactivity? Idiots, I tell you… IDIOTS!
If you don’t know anything about ADD vs ADHD, there’s a short bit about it here:

Anyway… I need to narrow things down a bit, and fast. My Doc appointment is Tuesday, though I wish it were sooner. I waited too long. My old medicine stopped working months ago, and didn’t seem to be working very well months before that. Now, I am worried about my job, tired of being a burden/trial to the man I love, and I’m really sick of fighting with all my might just to argue myself into work each morning, only to get nothing done when my brain slips gears and disconnects from reality for what adds up to hours every day.

Deciding to take antidepressants was a very big deal to me. My pride and stubborn nature did not agree with the concept. But, I did it. I accepted it. Now that the one stopped working and I have to chose another one, I find myself facing the decision again. I know I already made this decision. I know my problem is chemical and not psychological. I know that it is not a problem I can overcome without help. But still, I feel like I have to swallow my pride and make the decision again and it’s like I’m starting over.

But, I can’t do this to myself and the people who rely on me. I can’t fuck up my life out of pride, just because I hate the thought of needing a pill. I despise any form of weakness in myself, and that seems like a big one. But, I have to do what has to be done. Time to grow up and take my medicine.

Now… which one, dammit?

Monday, April 24, 2006

THE coolest freakin motorcycle I have EVER seen.

Batman would drool if he saw this machine. All things mechanical and all things art must have made some mad, passionate, white-hot lovin to birth this beautiful, sleek, and sexy creation.
I'm in love.
Of course, it would cost more than my car. :(
But imagine what I'd save on gas!
Alright... so I wouldn't even know how to drive it. But I'd learn, I tell ya. Oh hell yeah I'd learn. :)

Damn. I can't stop looking at it.

NEW YAMAHAS UNVEILED: Yamaha is showcasing a number of 2006 models at its motorsports business meeting in Las Vegas. Most significant among these are the all-new Roadliner cruisers and Stratoliner touring cruisers. All include a mix of art deco/industrial/streamliner design from 1930s America, Yamaha spokesmen say, plus some highly modern touches to go with very up-to-date engineering. Available in October, the Roadliners come in three versions, starting in the mid-$13,000 range. Out in December, and starting at just over $15,000, the three Stratoliners are the touring models that will come with saddlebags and quick-detach passenger backrests and windshields. All-new 113 cubic-inch (1,854cc), air-cooled, pushrod V-Twins power these models. They feature four-valve, twin-spark-plug heads and electronic fuel-injection. Frames are lightweight aluminum, as are the swingarms, crafted with the same type of controlled-fill die-casting technique first seen on sporting Yamaha street bikes. For more details, visit Yamaha’s web site at http://www.yamaha-motor.com/ and click on the section for Star Motorcycles.

Friday, April 21, 2006

bumper stuck

People are so stuck on bumper stickers, lately.
And all these ribbons... I want to start selling car-ribbons that support C.A.B.S. (citizens against bumber stickers).

Admittedly, I wouldn't mind having the one, though, that says "preserve nature... pickle a squirrell". That I rather like. I do have a Medeski Martin & Wood sticker on my car, now, but that's enough. One is my limit.

A friend of mine asked me about a bumper sticker he saw, today. It said “If it’s NOT A BABY, you’re NOT pregnant!”, and he didn’t get what it meant. I explained that it was a pro-life sticker, and what pro-choice dictum it was attempting to rebut, but I still found the sticker quite idiotic.

Now, If I was going to put a pro-life sticker on my car, it would just say:

If you can kill someone for being in your belly,
Then can I shoot you for riding my ass?

It's simple, it's to the point, and it reminds you to stop reading my bumper before I slam on my breaks and make your insurance buy me a new car.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006


IMPORTANT (to me at least)


Wellbutrin worked really well for me, better than other stuff I’d taken in the past, and yet worked in a way that lifted some of the haze/craziness without making me feel drugged up or weird. I’ve grown immune to it, though. I’m trying to just go without antidepressants for now, but I know that if I give in and determine it is time to go back on them, then I wont have time to research options then. I have to decide now what I will take if I go back on meds.
I’ve read some things about Effexor and I might put it on my “in case of emergency, break pride and get this RX” list. But, it can have some funky side effects.

Depending on what chemical imbalance you have, different meds will work differently on you. If you respond pretty well to Wellbutrin, have depression, ADD, and some anxiety but more problems with being unmotivated to just barely the sane side of catatonic than you do with anxiety, then you’re probably in my boat. If so, what works for you?

Of course, no one reads my site anymore, so I’m probably embarrassing myself for nothing, but you never know… it’s worth a try.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Stephen, Stephen, and more Stephen :)

To watchers, to his friends, we probably seem quite different.
But when we sit silently on the front porch, watching the traffic,
Nothing need be said. It simply feels so natural, as if we came from some common background that no one else understands.
He remarks on the crazy things that people do, and how they make no sense.
I find it remarkable to hear someone view things the same way I do, and equally unlike the way everyone else views things.
I speak, and he understands. He speaks, and he makes sense.
These very simple things, these things I’ve never had before, are miraculous to me.
And yet, they fade into the background of what he gives me.
The joy of cooking together, the license to paint while he writes music, without him expecting me to follow his every step like some men do…
Our differences balance so well, our sameness smooth and serene.
We’ve both traveled such awkward, tortuous paths through life… our histories are not the same, and yet they seem to feel like common ground.
The passion, the jokes, the comfort, the music – all the things we share.
He’s my family, my future, my muse and my music.
He is better than fearless. He’s brave. He can walk right up to this 5’ 11” mass of tangled thoughts and violent emotions, hold my clinched fists, kiss my lazer eyes, and turn me into a puddle of girlie kitten-ness.
He’s better than perfect. He’s human, and aware of his humanity, and thus full of compassion and devoid of judgment.
I look up to him, and know I am safe, protected, and understood. I see him look at me, and know he sees me fairly, knowing I am not helpless. I watch him sleep, and know I would do anything to protect him.
He even gives me what I need most of all, honesty. When most men in this world seem like ball-less stammering double-talkers, full of sweet-talk and/or cold distance, he anti’s up the truth with me, good, bad, or in between.
I trust him implicitly, love him without boundary, respect him immensely, and lust after him like a spell-bound nymph.
I am the luckiest woman in the world. :)

Monday, April 17, 2006

My weekend completely sucked. My chest and neck muscles all hurt from the non-stop puking that lasted for hours and hours and hours Friday night/Saturday morning. I didn’t get to go hiking Saturday. I basically missed band practice Friday. I had to call in to Job2 Saturday because I was still so sick. If I could have gotten that Phenergan down sooner on Friday, it might not have been so bad. But every time I took it, it came right back up. I had to work Sunday to make up for Saturday. My sock had a hole in it so it rubbed a blister into my heel and my foot was bleeding into my boot while I waited tables. Even after work, I didn’t really get to have any fun time with Stephen, since he was feeling ill Sunday.
And now here I am… at work… Monday. It’s Monday again and I never really had a weekend. I just want to hike now and then, or spend some time with my boyfriend while he’s not too out of it to spend time with me, and/or maybe get some stuff done on the house, etc…
Honestly, I don’t mind working 2 jobs. I just want something to look forward to now and then. The band thing is a great thing to look forward to, but we never know when practice is going to happen, so I can’t look forward to it or count on it. Friday, band practice didn’t start until late and I had to be at job2 the next morning, so I couldn’t have stayed more than an hour or so even if I hadn’t gotten sick.

Guess I’d better work hard today and keep busy. My antidepressants stopped working some time ago, so I can’t afford to let myself think about how I feel right now. If I accomplish a lot at work, at least I can feel proud of what I’ve done. If I keep busy, I won’t have time to think about how depressed I am right now.

On to the files!

Friday, April 14, 2006

A cheesy song I just wrote, though it has no melody.

It's all your fault.
can't you see
That I can never sing about you and me?
'Cause failure, heartbreak, and woe are all I know how to write,
So, how do I sing about being done right?

And now the girls will all be sick to death from spite and jealousy,
The men crying that you made ‘em look so bad.
I guess the only wrong you’ve ever done is doing so right by me
-loving me so well it sometimes drives me mad.

I'm lost for words.
There’s just no hope.
I’d sound like some naïve, rambling, lovesick dope.
A love like this is great for living, but is no good for a song.
You love me so well, that you may've done me wrong.

The girls out there now curse my name for having found you first.
The men are grumbling cusswords to their long neck beers.
You’re every blessing that I ever needed, but sometimes that’s a curse
-What good’s a song that no one wants to hear?

It's all your fault.
can't you see
That I can never sing about you and me?
'Cause failure, heartbreak, and woe are all I know how to write
So, how do I sing about being done right?

Sounds like a country song, doesn't it? Weird, considering I never really listen to county.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Channeling the past

The first song I learned with the band was “Don’t think twice” by Susan Tedeschi. I sang that constantly during 2004. I used to feel that song SO much that it was hard to sing it without crying. To sing it with the band now, though, I actually have to try to put myself back in time, so I can remember how I felt back then and channel that into the song.

When one of the guys brought a new tune to practice Sunday, it really struck me the moment I heard it. It was a sweet, melancholy, beautiful tune. All I had for it, at first, was ooooooo’s, but I really liked singing to it. It needed something soft, but a little mournful, so I threw in some very generic “hearbreak” themed lyrics. Trying to add to that, I of course pulled from the last romantic-type heartbreak in my past. Again… channeling the past to sing now.

The weird thing is, that if it were not so distant in the past, I don’t think I could use it for singing. If I was still emotional about it, I’d care too much about saying it all, saying it clearly, etc… etc… and not be able to just stand back, grab a couple vague thoughts from my ancient-history grab bag, and toss them in so casually.

Maybe it’s true… maybe it can come in handy to have some bad days in your past (so long as they are far enough in the past).

There are things far closer to my heart that actually still hurt me, (friends I miss, my own failings and weaknesses, aggravation over screwed-up social norms, etc…) but this was distant enough that I can simplify it into lyrics, now. If you feel too intensely about something, it is nearly impossible to put it into words, especially words simple enough to lend themselves to use as lyrics. (especially when you are not used to ever writing lyrics)

Plus, the things that do nag at my brain these days are less common topics (like I said, friends I miss, etc… etc…) and romantic heartbreak is a more accessible theme for listeners. Some times it’s nice to use a general theme that people can relate to. I usually prefer to do things a little differently, but there is something to be said for embracing a little common ground with people, I guess.

On a different note, thank goodness I'm with a man, now, that inspires me only in happy melodies. I'm such a lucky woman. :D
I guess I'm actually fortunate that my ex treated me the way he did, in a round-about way. If he hadn't turned so completely cold towards me then, I would have never known what it is like to be as happy as I am now. It is amazing to be with someone honorable and loving and understanding who appreciates you... -I'd better shut up before I start gushing about how awesome my man is again. He hates that. (but it's true!)


Thursday, April 06, 2006

What is in a name?

Well, for starters there should be a lot more in it than two N’s and an A.

I’ve always hated my middle name, if you can even call it a name. Ann is nothing more than filler for when you’re too worn out from childbirth to bother giving your child a real middle name. If my parents had a reason behind the name, I might not mind it quite as much (ie, if they’d had a favorite aunt named Ann or something), but no… it was just filler.

So, in my book, I have no middle name. If it was just weird or dorky or impossible to pronounce, I wouldn’t even think of changing it, because it’d be my name, good or bad. But, since I basically have no middle name, I would like to give myself one.

You see, when I was married I kept my maiden name as my middle name, and then took on my husband’s name as my last name. So, I got quite used to having a middle name. It looked good on the business cards, filled out the center space, and was a name that was both personal to me and served as a tie to my family. Now, since I’m divorced, I’m suddenly deprived of a middle name again.

About a year ago, I started thinking of having my middle name legally changed to a real name. Thinking of a name isn’t that hard. After all, it’s just a name. It doesn’t need to (nor could it possibly) define me as a person. It just needs to be a name. The hard part is this… how do you give yourself a name without it being totally cheesy? I mean, come on… it’s like the kid in Jr high who wanted a nick name so he just decides one day “From now on, I’m no longer Douglas… I’m The Dougger” or “Flash”, or “Slick”… you get the idea. It’s just lame.

But I’m not really changing my name. I’ll still be Kat. All I want to do is give myself a middle name because I don’t really have one. Is that so bad? Ok… well, what if that name is a Japanese name? I’m not Japanese. I don’t speak Japanese. I’ve never been to Japan, but it doesn’t seem that weird to me. After all, ALL of our names originated somewhere, and very few of them started in America (unless your name is Shushani tutanka obwachi or something). Kathleen is originally Greek, I think, and I’m not the slightest bit Greek. I’ve set foot in 5 countries in my life, and none of them are where my last name came from, either. So, who says I can’t pick a name from any country?

Anyway, so I’ve been thinking about making my middle name Moriko. No, I won’t expect to have my business cards say “Kat 森子 (last name)”. No fancy Kanji. Just Moriko. Or maybe just M. Kat M. (last name). I don’t need to show off my middle name. I’d just like to have one. Is that so very strange? I don’t think so, but then I analyze based on reasons, not common practice. I dunno. After a year of thinking I probably wouldn’t, I’m starting to think I will. Surely it can’t cost all that much, to have a name legally changed.

*sigh* it would be much simpler had I just been born with a decent middle name. My sister got a middle name. My mother was not a boring nor stupid person. Surely she was capable of coming up with two whole names for me. You'd think she might have even come up with something relatively interesting. Heck, naming me after her favorite pop song would have been better than nothing. But hey... everyone is different. Maybe two names sounded like too much to her. Maybe she was taking a minimalist approach. Whatever the reasons, I want a real name. It is, after all, my name anyway. I should have some say.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Silly conversation of the day

He said: Smart-Ass!

I said: Me, a smart ass?? Well, my ass is getting bigger, these days… I shouldn’t be surprised if it’s grown enough to attain sentience.

He said: And now, gather ‘round, for another exciting episode of:
Tales of…The Sentient Ass! Ass! Ass! Ass! Ass! Ass! Ass! Ass!

By day- mild mannered, unassuming nature's human couch cushion works hard to provide comfort and forward thrust to it’s master while suffering the indignations of random construction workers!

By night- a raging, phat weapon of justice doling out flatulent retribution on the chauvinistic, pig-heads who’ve objectified it, taken it for granted and secretly lusted after it while taunting it with stupid metaphors!

Monday, April 03, 2006

Workin hard for the $

By the way, I am now working two jobs, so you may not hear from me a whole lot.
I work full-time in my fancy office (soon to be a cubicle because the whole office is changing locations to a cheaper site) doing title insurance (real estate paralegal work, basically).

And now, in the evenings, I will be slaving away waiting on tables. I'm not looking forward to it, but hopefully I'll make some money to help dig myself out of debt, at least to a more managable level. If I can pay off a couple credit cards (maybe even my car too?) then what I make at my first job might be enough to get me by.

Here's hoping they don't try to overschedule me and all that (crosses fingers).

A noteworthy compliment

Last night, a musician from out of town visited and jammed with the band. He’s an old friend and former band-mate of a couple of the guys in the band. He not only liked my singing, he asked if I was really white. He said that if he had heard me with his eyes closed, he’d never have guessed I was white.
Now, I’m not someone who buys into racial stereotypes, but being a person somewhat steeped in Jazz & blues, I know what my favorite singers happen to look like, and they weren’t pasty-skinned blondes. So, I can’t help but take that as a massive compliment. I was beaming with joy. I don’t know that I agree with him, since every time I hear a recording of myself I am severely disappointed. But, we can hope that he’s right and I’m wrong. :)
I hope everyone sticks with this. I hope we can find a drummer who actually shows up, which seems to be our biggest problem. If we do, then it shouldn’t be that long before we have enough songs written/learned to start playing out. I will be SO frickin excited when that happens… IF that happens.
Fingers crossed, please, everyone. This is a major lifelong dream of Noggin’s. Let’s hope it pans out.

Oh…. note to self: update links (dave, Nta, daed, etc…)