Friday, July 29, 2005

No Lunch?

I've been so busy... I just noticed it's 4pm and I never took a lunch. :( I just didn't really pay any attention to the clock today. So much to do.

So I missed my lunch nap... who cares.
So I'll go hungry... doesn't matter.
So I won't see him till midnightish... *pout*
...ok, That part sucks.


...... is it midnight yet?

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

That reminds me of a story....

Everyone has stories. I love to hear them. I eat them up. I strain my mind, sometimes, trying to remember dad's funny military stories and tales about our eccentric family. If you tell me a story, I'll listen then and probably replay it in my mind later (less the names 'cause I forget those). However, BE WARNED! If I REALLY like your story and get excited about it, it will get my brain going and remind me of ones to tell.

I don't notice myself telling stories until someone makes fun of me for doing it so often. But they are so much fun! Why doesn't everyone share their stories? What's the point of all this crazy chaotic bumping around through life if you wont share your weird experiences and funny times?

Please, please... tell me a tale. Keep it true. The truth is always crazier than fiction can imagine. If you ask me why I tell so many, I'll only ask you why you don't tell more. :)

Thank you...

for teaching me pork chops can be delicious
for reading ingredients on your groceries to screen for my food allergies
for being a solid rival at scrabble, but not unbeatable ;P
for being silly
for being honest when you have a problem with me
for talking things out
for making me feel wanted
for every bit of affection
for being positive about our house/remodeling project
for everything :)


I've said it a dozen times, at least. The philosophy I quote the most came not from Whitman, Hobbes, Marx, Plato... not from poet or playwrite, but from a certain loud-mouth comedian who could slap the truth on the table without need for pretense.
"Happiness comes in small doses"

Tragedies comes in three acts.
Opportunity knocks but once.
Drowning anxiety comes in waves
Hard knocks beat you to the punch.

News you just can't stomach,
should be expected by the gross.
Happiness comes petitely wrapped
take care not to miss your dose.

Joys and gifts are easy to overlook
if your eyes are trained on sorrow.
If you bury yourself in yesterdays
you'll see no sun tomorrow.

Cheesy, I admit, but true.

Life, Cameras, Action

You know movies more than living.
Now life you must begin,
but you only see the world around you
from a camera pointed in.
You see the world inverted,
background to a stark dramatic scene,
and you’re stuck here in the middle
fuzzy - a flashback or a dream.
No one will share a script
or fill you in on what to play.
All you know is film is rolling
and they shouted action yesterday.
How much simpler it would have been
if you’d had time to ease on stage;
a slow progression into living life,
not shoved to spotlight from the cage.

Thursday, July 21, 2005

Vi Veri Veniversum Vivus Vici


I'm a glutton for the written word, although my schedule leaves me grabbing the quick reads when I'd love to find time for a nice sit-down feast on The First Circle. But, quick reads are still tasty treats. Last night I read the first Emma Frost book, which I bought for my neice and was just reading to screen for content, but it was a good wee book. I enjoyed it and want to read the next. I read the latest Astonishing X-men. I read 230 pages of V for Vendetta, by Alan Moore and David Lloyd. It has been a great choice, thus far. When I haven't time for some 500+ page russian novel (I'd love to take a day off of work to read it), it's good to have something that you can fall into quickly without having to regain your bearings each time you pick it up. It's extra rewarding when that "quick read" material is actually a fascinating work of fiction, with art work as a bonus. I wish I could slip under my desk and finish reading Vendetta right now.

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Oh no!

I'd hoped to be beamed up, as there's clearly no intelligent life down here, but I suppose I'm stranded on this planet. The actor who played "Scotty" has passed away. :(
So the away team is stuck. I hope I'm not the no-name extra.

Faults and friends

The best of people have their faults, as do the lessor ones of us
One of mine is clear:
the people I bond with and am quick to love
are great people whose faults are clear:
the people who love them are quickly dismissed.

I give my heart selectively
to those who turn their backs too easily.

A friend said "We're assholes anyway".

Everyone is.
You're my favorite @$$holes.

Fading fast

"Farewell" can truly take a chunk
but that dark ghostly decline,
the slow slipping away,
nibbles relentlessly
until the heart is
consumed to

Tuesday, July 19, 2005


Seeing me cry the other day about missing my "friends", he asks "what do you expect from a bunch of 21-year-old mamma's boys?"

I've had friends over twice my age, some as much as 9 years younger. Age is irrelavent. Sometimes you meet people that just feel right. Who was it that said you don't make friends, you find them? Something like that. I usually relate best to people much older than I, but those guys just felt like family. They're irreplaceable and unforgettable.
If only I wasn't so forgettable.

Well, to everyone out there: Talk to some people older and younger than you. Go out and learn how completely irrelavent age is. Just look at some of these blogs out there. I've read plenty of interesting blogs written by people 10 or 20 years older than I am. Don't look for excuses to seperate people.
Also... Cherish your friends, old and new. What earthly thing could matter more?

If any of those guys actually read this blog: I wish each of you the very best. :)

In light of truth

There are no secrets left, my friend.
Only honest men
and makers of masks.

The telling of truths reveals nothing new
except which of these you are.

Monday, July 18, 2005


Crashed to the ground, fault in my flight,
and you’d criticize me for my bruises.
You have flown better.
Now if only you were as good
at showing kindness to the fallen.

But surely a part of you has scratched the ground.
Where else could you have dug up this trait
of judgement?
Surely you could not learn such things from heavan.

For one so close to the sun, you do excel at frostiness.

Misteps, framed in silken thread

Lost a thing or two, gained a load
taking too many detours from my road.
The things I find I miss the most,
my mind, my soul – are replaced by ghosts;
echos of me spinning in pale-wrapped spells,
like dangling dragonflies that hang as bells
from a very successful web – glistening grey,
where lives are lost in the misflight of a day.

Moments dissipate at a breath
with aftershocks rattling even after death.
But, frail-winged things rarely fly strait
iron-clad and thirsting for faith.

Saturday, July 16, 2005

Don't think Twice, It's all right

It's a GREAT song. The version I listen to is that done by Susan Tedeski. I like to sing it now and then. I used to sing it to help me deal with letting go of my marriage. Now, I mostly just like singing it. I enjoy singing Susan Tedeski songs.
But, the line "You just kinda wasted all my precious time" will never loose it's meaning to me. Not with just how precious those years were, the last few before endometriosis took over enough to declare 'nothing will grow here but scars'.

What years can be worth more than the few in which you are capable of magic? Of bringing new life into the world? 30 is too soon to run out of those years, to say 'time's up' and know there is no filing for extension or appealing the decree.

Friday, July 15, 2005

The dog ate my book reports

If anyone actually reads the "Noggin Reviews Stuff" posts, I apologize for slacking. I read novels like mad, devour multiple graphic novels daily, etc... and have been too busy working, moving, and reading to review anything.

I started reading Big Wheel at the Cracker Factory, but got sidetracked reading both The First Circle and Catch 22 at the same time. I've read more comics than I can recall without counting them on the bookshelf. I know I read the first 4 volumes of Ultimate X-Men, the Planetary series, Red Son, and The Dark Knight Returns all within the past week or so, but can't remember what else. Eventually, I'll try to get back to posting some reviews on at least some of these things.

By the way, I just got An Open Book in the mail today, a collection of poetry by the great sci-fi (et al) writer, Orson Scott Card. That should be interesting, but I'm really excited about The First Circle, as the author is the same who wrote One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich, which is a personal favorite of mine.

Happy reading, ya'll

Thursday, July 14, 2005


Who can you whine to, when your problems are your own fault?

To whom do you disclose the tales of woe that covered the path you took, that same path marked "This way to woe"?

What consolation can one give? What could one say to your outpouring of heartache, in such a case as this, except:


The tasty lure of self-demise

Out of water,
hooked tight…

I didn’t buy the promise,
but I swallowed the line.
Smart enough not to believe;
dumb enough to wait and see.
Watched until blinded,
basked till burned,
and finally addicted to this sun.

You know
you’ve got me where you want me.
You can leave me strung helpless

while promises drift ignored,
like trash tumbled from careless hands
in the sudden rush to snag
an innocent nibble.

Shredded Will

I'm torn between all the work that HAS to be done YESTERDAY, the life-sucking boredom of typing, and the fact that I should be at home anyway.

...One of those days that I know any normal person feeling this crappy would call in sick, but I'm sick too often for that. I save calling in for days I feel so bad I don't care if I get fired from work or even fired on by an exucution squad. Today I feel like my belly is about to supernova, and I haven't even been bad. I haven't eaten wheat, soy, or sugar. I had less than a half of a cup of coffee yesterday. I suffered my headache without excedrin and my allergies without allergy pills. I ate salad and veggies, etc... etc....
Sometimes, when I see coworkers or strangers eating taco bell and feeling fine, I'm just ashamed to know my stupid digestive system is so wimpy and dysfunctional.

I wasted a bit of time I shouldn't today, since boring work isn't enough to get my mind off of pain. I feel like such a wimp on days that I let it get the best of me. I really have no right to whine. Since they hacked the toxic half of my thyroid out last year, I've been much, much healthier. I am greatful for that. I just wish I could be my old super-worker self and hack through this pile of files and feel like the super-girl who saved the day. Instead, I'm counting the hours till I can go lay down.

Well, I've been taking better care of my tummy. I need to start excersizing more, too. I'm stubborn and strong and with that should be able to more than compensate for a wimpy tummy.

Just keep the idiots out of my way. They drag me down. Every now and then some imbicile who can't conceive of the obvious fact that results FOLLOW a cause, not visa versa, will tell me it's my own fault and that eating health food is why I get sick. Yes, that's it. My stomach is so psychic it foretold that I would someday eat healthy and it developed allergies and such while I was in my McDonald's-binging youth in response to the health food I would someday start eating regularly. Yeah, that makes sense.

The stupidity of humanity amazes me every day, but they need someone to blame. The idea of chance frightens them.

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

I have no studio set up yet in my new house. I kinda miss my drawing wall. It was a motivator. I'd walk in, see mistakes in what I'd drawn and say "Eeks! I need to practice". Soon, though... very soon.

Have I mentioned Transmet is my favorite?

Here is one of Darick Robertson's terrific images of Spider Jerusalem, the lead character in Transmetropolitan (written by Warren Ellis).

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

in a hazy decaf malaise daze

No delicate dripping, no gurgling brew,
no steam reaching me with nutty roasted promise...
No popping perks of amber-brown
in the glass nob atop dad's old stainless steel pot.

No, none at all.

No midday boost from the office Bunn;
no trips to Bean Street Cafe.
No bean of the gods, to stimulate my mind,
no more reason at all for the day.

That's my silly melodramatic way of saying quitting coffee SUCKS!!!
I want my caffiene!!!!
@#($^^&@()%&$)@!@!!! (grumble grumble cuss)
It's been a week and 3 days since I quit. I've had a few excedrins (which have some caffiene) and had half a cup of coffe last wednesday, but other than that I have been good.
Now life is meaningless.
ok, maybe I'm exagerating. It just has less meaning. :P


Passive Solutions (How to get rid of...)

People coming into your office-
Eat salads with goat cheese, feta, or asiago at your desk. Tuna and Balsamic vinigrette increase effectiveness.

Strange men talking to you at vending machines/smoking area/elevator-
Casually mention your exhusband, or better yet, your first, second, or third ex-husband (fictitious or otherwise).

Peeping Tom-
Pick your nose by the window (warning: not reccomended in the case of paparazzi)

Strange man following you in the mall-
Crop dust (ie, just eat a white castle and "blow as you go", toots)

Monday, July 11, 2005

It's Official

By the way,
as of 10am today (a year or more after separating, I think?)
I am officially, legally divorced.
My maiden name is legally restored.
The end of an error - uh, I mean era.

It seems weird to announce this. It seems like 3 years since the split, but there it is.
Raise a glass in celebration of the ending such pain. Raise another in melancholy remembrance of what beauty was lost before the pain. Raise a third in mourning of my childbearing years gone and spent fruitlessly, of what trust was lost and what faith in love I've lost. Raise a fourth in gratitude that it ended politely. The fifth in best wishes, as much for him as for me.

May some lesson come from these spent years to justify all that was lost.
May all of you live happily, love generously, fall gently if ever, and enjoy bonds that never break.
I raise my glass to you all, in hope life treats you well.

As long as I'm being centimental...
love and prayers to all the friends I've lost one way or another.
For some reason, I find myself thinking of Dawn... she found the sort of love that would have gone on forever but she was taken from her new husband and her kids by cancer when she was about my age. Sometimes it seems that those needed and loved are the first taken.
Cheers to her, to another friend I lost this year by my own folly (best wishes wherever you are), also to one I found after many years lost, (after my hopes were worn to a nubb) and to many more.
Many, MANY thanks to friends who are still around.

now listening to: System of a Down
Now getting: back to work


Imagination fixation,
the escapist addiction.

Dopamine waves climb
the colors from frame to frame.
Give me another…
another tug
of eye-fed drug.
I’m tripping, 24 pages at a time,
through Technicolor worlds
with roles to play,
villians I can grab hold of,
adamantium claws
and a “chair-leg of truth”
with which to pummel
the grey of life that clings to me.

Nerd-Con 2005

A year ago, I was sure I'd be going to Wizard World Chicago with some friends. I was very excited, and my love of comics has increased exponentially since then, as it was a relatively new thing for me. Well, I knew months ago that the great road-trip with such beloved friends was out. Still, I've really wanted to go to the convention. I'd like to see what's out there, what new things people are pushing, maybe get a few books signed, meet Bendis and Oeming, etc... etc...

If Warren Ellis and Darick Robertson's names showed up on the list, I'd frickin go by myself. I'd shell out the dough and drive 6 hours and stay maybe just one night in a very, very, very cheep hotel. Remind me to get a gun and a license to carry if that happens - kidding (although I would bring some quick set-up door and window alarms). Ellis and Robertson did my all-time favorite series, transmetropolitan.

Well, I've been checking the site periodically for many months, now. The frequency increases as the date gets closer, but I just don't want to go by myself. It just seems like that would be depressing. But, I hate to miss it. Now my boyfriend even has AAA (which can often get cheaper hotel rooms) but he doesn't really care for comics.

Anyway... the clock is ticking. The days are slipping by, like nerd-con 2005 probably will.

Now listening to: Southern Culture on the Skids
Now eating: Chicken with my homemade bbq sauce
Now fighting: to stay awake
A side note... do things right, life will kick you on your tail. Mess up, life slices and dices and grinds salt into the wounds before torching the remains. Make no mistakes. God may be forgiving, but life and mankind are not.

By the way... saw Fantastic Four and War of the Worlds recently. Not masterpeices, but quite enjoyable.

Thursday, July 07, 2005

Villian, hero, victim, angel, demon, etc....

I remember growing up, my mother would sometimes act as if I was a great kid one moment, then a terror the next, and the changes rarely coincided with any trigger behavior.

one time: "You are so easy to live with. Thank you."
another: "I wouldn't waste money on sending a kid like you to college if I had money to burn."
One week: "thank you for all your help"
the next: (setting: I was at college working on paintings for finals and called her to let her know I probably wouldn't make it in time for supper) "I don't know what I did wrong to deserve a daughter like you. You didn't even dust off the top of your dresser this week." etc....
I could clean my room, pick her flowers, and do whatever she wanted and, if it suited her mood, I was the bane of her existance. My behavior had no affect on anything. Although, if I did forget to dust one peice of furniture or something it was all the reason she needed to lay into me if she was in the mood.

and it seems that pattern hasn't changed. I watch the world sway it's tides of opinions over me and they fluctuate like mad but nothing I do has any effect on them.

I have made mistakes in my time. I recently made one dear friend angry at me when I failed to call her back on a night she really needed me to come over. I was puking from near heat-stroke, but I didn't even call her back to let her know I was letting her down. She has a right to be mad. I lost another friend months back by behaving stupidly and I deserved that. Those were my mistakes and I own up to them, for whatever that is worth. But, if people are going to judge me I sure wish they'd at least judge me based on those mistakes, something I deserve it for.
It's never that, though. It's perceptions and moods that others conjure and I have no power over.
I've had people paint me as an angel, a martyr, a she-devil, a villian, a genius, a ditz, and some sort of parasite.
I'm none of these things. I am flawed, like any human. I make mistakes, but I try DAMN hard to treat people exactly how I'd want to be treated. I see cowards glare with dissaproval when I'm doing nothing wrong, insinuate without stating, roll judgments over in their jaded minds, but not have the guts to speak up. Some people do speak and then speak lies.

If I sometimes seem a little hopeless about things, forgive me. I've seen what human nature is and it is a vile, repulsive thing. People judge with blinders on and leap to grasp whatever conclusion entertains their soap-opera mentalities the most.

My message to the human race:
The sincere few have my loyalty and respect.
The rest can bite me.

Good, bad, and ugly, I am what I am.
I am honest and straightforward
I am a slob
I have never stolen so much as a stick of gum.
my social skills suck.
I treat everyone as I want to be treated.
I forget things no one should.
I will give you my last buck.
I probably blew the preceeding 20 on books.
I sincerely want to listen to whatever you need to talk about and I will care.
But, I'll probably enterupt you 20 times. (sorry, though it means I'm interested)
I'm always ready to share a laugh and will laugh at myself in a heartbeat.
I'm also manic-depressive.
I will never stop struggling to learn and improve myself.
I have a lot of improving to do.

These are the facts.
If only people cared about facts.

The street in front of my house, taken on a very slow shutter-speed while swirling the camera about to make the light squiggles as a car went by.

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

flaws fought are still flaws

If you bear12 pounds of darkness
and fight it down to three,
they'll blame you for carrying
those still left to see.
Take 5 blows from the lead fist
of your own body's state
Bounce back, fight back all you want,
every bruise is your mistake.

Doesn't matter how you fight to stand
if now and then you fall.
doesn't matter if it's not your fault
if it is still your flaw.

Babies, be born healthy.
children, be not hurt.
lest you be also without
understanding, love, and worth.

Recent Lessons Learned

Never show interest in people. If you talk to people and ask them lots of questions because you find them interesting, they will hate you for it and say you talk too much. If you get excited about their conversations and respond to show it, then they will call it hijacking. If you don't say much, they call you stuck up or just think you're a freak for being shy.
The real lesson? It doesn't matter what you say or do. New people are not allowed in set groups. People love their cliques(sp?), not other people.

I guess I already knew that lesson, but I keep trying anyway. I'm stupid that way.

Friday, July 01, 2005

My pictures haven't been showing up for quite a while. I'm just sending this as a test. This is just me trying to play bass (never really learned, and then forgot everything I'd started to learn)

an Odd, Charming Skill

He can sing the song-clips exactly as they played on the "Summer Gold" Commercials on TV ages ago.

Beach Baby beach baby there on the sand - da doo run run run da doo run run - etc...
I'm sure I've got it wrong, but he can go through every song as they clipped it, in order.

Ya gotta love the strange things people excell at.