I remember growing up, my mother would sometimes act as if I was a great kid one moment, then a terror the next, and the changes rarely coincided with any trigger behavior.
one time: "You are so easy to live with. Thank you."
another: "I wouldn't waste money on sending a kid like you to college if I had money to burn."
One week: "thank you for all your help"
the next: (setting: I was at college working on paintings for finals and called her to let her know I probably wouldn't make it in time for supper) "I don't know what I did wrong to deserve a daughter like you. You didn't even dust off the top of your dresser this week." etc....
I could clean my room, pick her flowers, and do whatever she wanted and, if it suited her mood, I was the bane of her existance. My behavior had no affect on anything. Although, if I did forget to dust one peice of furniture or something it was all the reason she needed to lay into me if she was in the mood.
and it seems that pattern hasn't changed. I watch the world sway it's tides of opinions over me and they fluctuate like mad but nothing I do has any effect on them.
I have made mistakes in my time. I recently made one dear friend angry at me when I failed to call her back on a night she really needed me to come over. I was puking from near heat-stroke, but I didn't even call her back to let her know I was letting her down. She has a right to be mad. I lost another friend months back by behaving stupidly and I deserved that. Those were my mistakes and I own up to them, for whatever that is worth. But, if people are going to judge me I sure wish they'd at least judge me based on those mistakes, something I deserve it for.
It's never that, though. It's perceptions and moods that others conjure and I have no power over.
I've had people paint me as an angel, a martyr, a she-devil, a villian, a genius, a ditz, and some sort of parasite.
I'm none of these things. I am flawed, like any human. I make mistakes, but I try DAMN hard to treat people exactly how I'd want to be treated. I see cowards glare with dissaproval when I'm doing nothing wrong, insinuate without stating, roll judgments over in their jaded minds, but not have the guts to speak up. Some people do speak and then speak lies.
If I sometimes seem a little hopeless about things, forgive me. I've seen what human nature is and it is a vile, repulsive thing. People judge with blinders on and leap to grasp whatever conclusion entertains their soap-opera mentalities the most.
My message to the human race:
The sincere few have my loyalty and respect.
The rest can bite me.
Good, bad, and ugly, I am what I am.
I am honest and straightforward
I am a slob
I have never stolen so much as a stick of gum.
my social skills suck.
I treat everyone as I want to be treated.
I forget things no one should.
I will give you my last buck.
I probably blew the preceeding 20 on books.
I sincerely want to listen to whatever you need to talk about and I will care.
But, I'll probably enterupt you 20 times. (sorry, though it means I'm interested)
I'm always ready to share a laugh and will laugh at myself in a heartbeat.
I'm also manic-depressive.
I will never stop struggling to learn and improve myself.
I have a lot of improving to do.
These are the facts.
If only people cared about facts.