Friday, December 30, 2005

I had the best Christmas day ever...

...Because no one pressured me to celebrate anything. I “worked” at Richos with Stephen, although we were officially closed, while Stephen played some music and a few regulars joined us to down a few pints and eat some mighty fine chili that Stephen had made. I should say what beers I had, like Dave does, but I’m sure I’d spell them wrong. I have no memory for such details. I’m the analytical sort. I suck at memorization.
The Japanese beer was a tad too funky, but interesting at least. The double cream stout was quite good. The milk stout was drinkable, but didn’t impress me too much. We were out of Guinness, but I managed to enjoy other beers without getting sick, although I was mighty tired.

I had a great day. I attempted to sing some songs I could barely remember. I pigged out. I served a few pints (the first couple were sticky from spill-over, but I got the hang of it soon enough). I wore my hair in beer-maid braids for the heck of it. A good time was had by all. The night (as in late-night) sucked ass, but that is another story and I’ll leave it untold.

I should have asked dad to come by, but he was probably tied up in Christmas stuff with friends anyway. The company was still great. I got to see Misty (I rarely do) and hear her play again.
MISTY: If you’re reading this, call us. Almost a year without playing guitar, with your talent, is just plum criminal. Get off your lazy arse and come play with Stephen’s guitar and see our new house, eh?

Tomorrow is another holiday, and I hope to do my favorite holiday thing… enjoy the day without any pressure to make it a holiday. Have a great rest of the year, folks.

Listenin’ to: Blind Boys of Alabama
Eatin: carry out Zuppa Toscano from Olive Garden (yum)
About to: Go home, slap some make-up on, and go hang at Richos, I suppose. It hurts to draw, thanks to this $&%$!’n carpal tunnel, so Richo's sounds like the best option. Maybe I’ll hit the comic shop first.

Dave: You said to write about Richos more. Happy? :D

Been too Long!

The last time would be seeing Chevelle, downstairs at Gillians... ah, a loud raging concert.

It's funny, really... I despise crowds, but there is something about being shoved tight like sardines in some sweaty-hot pit of people thrashing around... even if you don't go all the way into the mosh pit, it releases something primal that's just gotta breathe now and then.

So, I'm gonna go see NIN in a couple months. The bad news is, we will have seats (not floor tickets). It may be rough and my friend's little sister is going. Gotta protect the youngin'. I'm glad she gets to go and anyone who tries to mess with her will have an angry amazon on their hands, as I just can't help but feel protective of such a good kid.

I can't wait, though. Sometimes... I just need to absorb something LOUD.

Thursday, December 29, 2005

Reality Love Song

You worry me to death.
I must drive you insane,
But we understand each other
And just can’t complain.
When we talk things out,
it always makes sense.
When we come together
It’s beyond intense.

Because this is love.
Forget all the movies
This is the real thing.
This is love;
The kind that lasts too long
To fit in their scenes.

I’m a little bit crazy
And a little too sane.
when clothes piles on the floor
It’s just me who’s to blame.
I never wash dishes
And my budgeting sucks.
I cook now and then,
But I eat way too much.

and this is love.
I don’t care what the songs say
What do they know?
This is love
Our flaws fit too perfectly
And that’s how I know.

You’re not into sci-fi
And you thrash in your sleep
It’s impossible to sync
With the hours you keep.
You’ve had a few too many
A few too many times
But, between binges,
You’re always all mine.

‘cause this is love.
The poets don’t know it
Because they’re all blind.
This is love.
We’re marred and imperfect
But our love is divine.
I’m crazy, but I’m yours
And you’ll always be mine.

(I know, I know... cheesy as hell, but there it is anyway. I always said I can't write songs)

Tuesday, December 27, 2005


I think I'm going to make this blog "private" (available to all of you who already read it, but not quite as easy to happen onto online). I will make a seperate blog to hold just my better poems (and perhaps some drawings), and it will be public, but it will PROBABLY not contain a link to this blog. You will no longer be able to find this blog just by clicking on my profile. So, if you like reading it, mark the address so you can find it in the future.
I reserve the right to change my mind, but there will definitely be another blog just for poems whether I keep this one private or not.
This one will remain public until I've completed construction of my poem blog.

edit: How about this...
I'll post a link to this blog inside my poem blog, but only the poem blog will show under my profile. Deal? Not every stranger who just clicks to see who Twisted Noggin is needs to see all my personal rambling, and weirdos who like poetry don't want to read through my rants and blabbering to find the poems.
I was told last night that some people prefer the rambling. That's the first time I've heard that.
Thanks for the input, Dave, and save some chocolate stout for me. :P

Friday, December 23, 2005


I suck with money, anymore. I was so thrilled at getting a big bonus this year, that I bought a few little things with it, paid off some bills, paid extra on my credit cards, spent a bunch of money on stuff for my carpal tunnel…etc… (They hurt really bad, though, so I was desperate. I can’t even draw because it hurts too much to hold a pencil) Then, I realized my 6 months car insurance was due (almost $500). Ouch! I certainly wont be buying silver-working tools any time soon. Now, I have almost nothing in the bank, I probably have debits outstanding that just haven’t cleared, and a week to go until my next payday. I’m just gritting my teeth and praying against overdraft charges.
How did I get to be this lax in managing finances?
Well, it has to be stopped. I still owe my dad a little money, and owe Stephen some too. I HAVE to get organized. As much as I hate money, hate thinking about it or anything, I need to get over that and straighten myself out. This is simply unacceptable.

I used to be a super penny pincher. I never bought clothes or shoes unless I was forced to. Somewhere along the line, though, that changed. I admit I developed a hatred of dealing with finances during my second marriage, since he obsessed over money far too much, but that’s no excuse. Stephen should never have to bail me out when my budget crashes. He should be able to depend on me to help build our future, especially since I’m lucky enough to have a man, now, that sees our future as us, not our net gross.


I was sickly, swollen, and in pain (food allergies and carpal tunnel) but it was just such a happy day. We had a pitch-in at work and the food was terrific and the company just as good. I couldn't help but think how lucky I am to work with my closest friend, have understanding coworkers, and a fold-out chair/bed in my office so I can sleep off some food allergy exaustion on a break.
Then, I had an email from an old friend, which made my day (even though I thought my day was "made" already, after enjoying such a good day). I was in a bouncingly happy good mood after that. Then, I got to meet up at Richos with Brandi (always fun), and since Stephen works there, I at least got to see him even though he had to work.

Then, while walking through the front room, someone said "Hey!" and I turn to see a total "blast from the past" (sorry for the cliche). It was the guy who was my very first boyfriend (in 7th grade). We remained friends after that, I guess. I was also friends with his older brother and babysat his adorable curly-headed little brother. So, I see Jason, and then realize I know the guy right next to him, Scott. I've only seen him once since highschool. I acknowledge the other guy at the table, but assume I don't know him until Jason says, "You remember Jordan?". OMG! The little curly headed boy I used to babysit was all grown up and drinking beer at Richos! He grew up so sweet and handsome and is majoring in journalism. I wanted to pinch his cheeks, but I controled myself. He's still adorable. I asked him if he still like ketchup on hotdog buns, but with no hotdog, and he said yes. I had to call my sister and tell her they were there. She talked to Jason on my cell.

It was weird to talk to someone who shared some of my past; the people we knew at "church" (we didn't call it church, but that's too big a tangent for now); our parents, buffalo trace park, high school, etc... Jason told me his grandpa died, though. That was sad. He was such an awesome man, sweet as can be. But then, it was nice to share memory of him, since most people in my life now didn't even know me back then.

It was just so awesome. We meet so many people in life and, as you get older, more and more of your life seems to drift off out of reach, almost as if it never happened and the people weren't even real. I've lost a lot of people through the years and have come to really cherish every good contact I make. After all, there are millions of people out there, but a precious few you get close to, really bond with, feel you can trust, or even just share a few memories with. So, yesterday just about made my year.
Now, if only I could eat more of that cake from yesterday WITHOUT getting sick, I'd be in heaven. That, and if Stephen could get off work early tonight so I can spend some time with him. :)

I'm almost afraid to say this, lest lightening strike me or an anvil fall on my head, but life is good.

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Help for Food allergies. -stomach saving tips

If there is any time of year that you are going to cheat on your diet, that is probably in December. If you have food allergies or Celiac disease, this means a lot more than unwanted pounds. Here's a few helpful holliday hints to baby your belly.

If you must eat food you are unsure of, take some slippery elm first. It coats your insides and reduces the reaction in minor food allergies. I'm not a doctor, I'm just speaking from my own experience.

Drink LOTS of water. (it helps to flush the badness through, among other things).

Follow with fiber. If I drink a flax cocktail (flax meal, water, pure cran, water, a touch of oil, and stevia) right after eating something I'm allergic to, it makes a WORLD of difference. If I'm away from home, I substitute with fiber pills or some of Nature's Sunshine's "all cell detox", formerly known as Special Formula One. This is to keep the bad food from sitting around and clinging to your insides any longer than need be.

Stomach Soother. Make sure you are not allergic to Aloe. It is a common allergy. Dab some pure aloe on the inside of your elbow and let it soak in. If you have any sort of reaction on the outside, expect a reaction on the inside to be far worse. If you have no allergy to aloe, though, it may be your new best friend. I drink aloe juice when I'm swollen and in pain, and it soothes my insides, eases discomfort, and even reduces the bloating/swelling. It's just dreamy.

You may want to have a little more fiber before bed. Hydrate well (lots of water and electrolites). You may find that you recoup much faster than you normally would. If not, hey... I never claimed to be a doctor. I just know that these things help me far more than anything the doctors ever suggest.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005


I was taking a break from typing, thinking about wanting to experiment with casting silver, and then I happened upon these. The site had lots of wonderful designs, but this japanese technique sure makes a unique ring. Read the link to see how they do it. I just had to show you. Cool, eh?

Monday, December 19, 2005

Sweet solace within, I carry you with me,
and with you this knowledge.
Somewhere, I am known
am valued;
No matter where I must trudge by day
I have a center point
a home base, an existence
outside this shell I once called my home,
outside the self that was my only Tara
as well as my prison.
I have been a hermit,
hiding nothing but never seen.
Your brown eyes are more than hypnotic.
They are my anchor to this world,
and evidence to the value of it.

been a bad girl

I have SOOO much work to do today, but I ate 4 doughnuts last night so I feel like I swallowed a tub of niquil and washed it down with ipekak and those little dinosaur toys that swell up in water.
I can't think strait at all. :(

Why am I so weak? My brain is tater tots. I just want to sleep. and I have a headache. Enough whining, though... back to attempting to work.

what nerve!

My own wrists betray me!
Well, I was wrong apparently. My doctor thinks it is carpal tunnel (aka median nerve compression). :(
I have to get some x-rays done and try just wearing these annoying gimp splints for a month before discussing other treatments, but I hope he doesn't reccomend surgery. My hands are very important to me. Having them cut on is scarier than having them cut, scope, and burn stuff in my guts.
I wish they made these wrist things in black or something, not just gimp-bandage-beige.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Christmas (what I really think)

Many people are saddened by what they are coining “the war on Christmas”. Of course, I have not seen any war on Christmas yet, but I presume they are referring to the fact that companies are attempting to be equally polite to both people who do and people who don’t celebrate Christmas, by using more “vague” holiday greetings and such. Being fair to those who don’t celebrate it can hardly be construed as an attack on those who do, but we do live in a world where people are threatened by the knowledge than anyone in the world might possibly disagree with them.

I think the reason many people feel insulted by these recent changes is they fear it represents a mass back-turning on Christianity and perhaps even spirituality itself. Yes, there is most certainly a decline in spirituality in the modern world. Of course, Christians expect that, however unpleasant it may be, because it was foretold in the bible.

So, true Christians are all appalled at the world’s moral decline, just as the Muslims and Jews, and Buddhists are appalled at it, but then… someone is still watching Springer, so some people must enjoy our moral decline. I doubt that these people who wallow in moral depravity and relish it as great entertainment are the ones against Christmas, though, so let’s figure out who is… after all, a lack of moral stature doesn’t make you hate trees with lights on them, even if it might make you too lazy to put one up.

So, Why would anyone be offended by Christmas? Really, I kind of doubt that the atheists are terribly offended by Christmas. They may not care about it or associate it with spiritual things, but all the atheists and agnostics I’ve known have still been a-ok with drinking egg-nog and hanging lights. They may not participate in every aspect of Christmas, but I doubt they’d be offended by it enough to care if the checkout lady said “Merry Christmas” or “Happy Holidays”. So, who could be offended by Christmas?

Well, if you are odd man out every year because you are Jewish, then even if you aren’t offended by Christmas, you would probably appreciate being properly recognized as a person who’s equal and who’s right to their beliefs is thereby equal. And before any “Christians” look down their noses on Judaism, please let’s remember what religion Mary and Joseph and baby Jesus WERE, ok? I’m not Jewish and I’m not saying they are right, but we could certainly show a little respect.

A brief aside; One “Christian” looked down on Jews because they, in HIS words “murdered their own messiah”. Before you go feeling all superior, let’s keep in mind that the largest and most popular variety of so-called “Christianity” in the world used to skin people alive for owning copies of the Bible. This seems highly unchristian to me, but since it is ancient history and I am weak and a sinner, I’ll hold onto these stones, for now. Stones make better landscaping around glass houses than they do projectiles, anyway. Just please check out your own houses, too, before you throw any rocks.

I can think of why some people would find Christmas offensive, but it seems to me that the people most likely to find it offensive would be Christians. We all know about the history of Christmas, that Jesus could not have been born at this time of year, that the tree is a pagan tradition, etc… and that the celebration was created to appease or under influence of the “converted” pagans. But, regardless of it’s origin, it has since become a tradition to attach different meanings to these symbols. No matter what the Christmas tree and Easter Bunny once were, they now remind some people of their religious affiliations. Because of this, I can respect why people celebrate Christmas. There is some logic to that reasoning and I hope they enjoy their eggnog and presents. I sincerely do.

Yes, I respect YOUR right to chose what these symbols mean to you. But, in turn, you should expect MY right to take no part in something I find offensive spiritually. To me, celebrating Christmas would be like bowing to pagan Gods, then having the nerve to pretend I wasn’t bowing, but just dancing in joy for Jesus. To do an act traditionally pagan and stamp Jesus’ name on it, feels like blasphemy to me. That seems as sacrilegious to me as putting a satanic symbol on a chain and renaming it the Jesus Star.

I’m not saying you’re evil if you celebrate Christmas or trying to put you down, but anyone with half a brain could see I have just as valid a reason for my beliefs as you do for yours. I don’t shove my beliefs down your throat or expect you to offer your condolences to me that it is, again, that month in which I must endure a world satiated with what I find morally dark and spiritually depressing. So don’t be offended that I don’t wish you a happy Christmas. When people all sing carols and talk holidays, I just bow out of the conversation. Of course, the holidays feel to me like strolling through a satanic goat-sacrifice might to you, but I know that the individuals who participate in Christmas actually mean well so I never get angry or take it personally, no matter how uncomfortable it is for me. I try never to be insulting or inconsiderate. When Christmas is in every angle of every view and on every tongue of passers-by, I stay out of it, but never take it as a personal attack (of course) So, it really steams me to hear people get their feathers ruffled because “Merry Christmas” banners aren’t strewn across every store front, as if they assume the entire world should bow to their feelings, but no one else’s matter.

I normally keep my mouth shut about a lot of this, unless I am asked, in order to be considerate of the many good people who love this holiday, since I wouldn't want to dampen their joy. But then, to be offended that their holiday doesn't carpet the planet as a universally accepted beleif? That's just too much. I mean, come on. I still respect your right to celebrate it. Respect my right not to. Who is offended by Christmas? I am. Why? Because I’m a Christian.

Now go and have a lovely December, whatever you chose to do with it, but leave your huffing, eye-rolling, and pompous egocentric need to have all humanity bow to your wishes at home. I sincerely wish for you all to have fun and enjoy your time together, but try to show some Christian attitude by showing a little more consideration and a little less bile.

Take care. Stay warm, and show a little love to your fellow man this month (and every month). Thank you for listening.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

My wrists fucking hurt like hell!!!!

My apoligies to those sensitive to profanity, but no other words work.
I go to the Doc Friday. My boss is buying me an ergonomic keyboard tomorrow. I've been wearing wrist braces and popping advil (in hopes that the anti-inflamitory properties will enable easier healing) but I TYPE for a LIVING, basically
...and it HURTS!!!!!

Sorry, I figured if I vented here quickly, I could get back to work without crying.
I feel like a total wimp, since none of my coworkers are having this problem and we all type.
But Owwwiee!

the good news: I'm almost positive it is not carpal tunnel. I'm guessing tendonitis.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

The water’s surface
can boast perfection
when it is without disturbance,
but only when it is disrupted
can it invite the sun to dance.

I’m going to make two simple sumi-e paintings that I will hang together. One will show still water (a little boring, but the above poem [in japanese] will appear on this painting) and the other will show the water rippling from a koi sticking his nose at the top to nibble at something. Sunlight will be reflecting off the ripples. The bigger meaning to the paintings and poem is that we sometimes wish for our lives to be perfectly in order and undisturbed, but in reality it is the intrusion or disturbances of other people in our lives that make life beautiful and give it purpose.

Sumi-e has been fun, although I'm not quite getting the hang of it yet. Waterbased media and I don't mix, really. I'm enjoying the excursion and challenge, though, and it has whet my appetite for drawing again. Charcoal and pastel pencil are probably my comfort zones. I enjoy oil paints tremendously, but can't afford them and they require longer work sessions (because of clean up time and because I like to work on wet paint).

I got a great photo of Stephen the other day and can't wait to draw that. :)

Saturday, December 10, 2005

Sharing space with shadows

This room may hold no evil,
This space may be pristine,
But the door to it is locked
And I feel the barrier between.
How can I guess what’s behind your eyes?
I cannot doubt your beautiful mind.
But there is something left secret,
An ominous shadow undefined.
I accuse you of no sin, my love.
You are an angel to me, always.
But when I reach to hold you,
This space gets in the way.
I see only the shadows;
What casts them is off limits to me.
It is their concealment that hurts, so,
More than whatever they could be.

Friday, December 09, 2005

Growing up Writing

Growing up, I was the artist and my sister the musician. She did a lot of reading, and I did a lot of writing. Sure, I was interested in music and she had a capacity for art, but we mostly kept to our areas, I guess. It conveniently helped avoid competition. Now, my sister is writing her first books and I read a lot more than I used to. Maybe next I’ll learn an instrument and she’ll start drawing?

My one and only real goal as a teenager was to get my first novel published before graduating high school. But, I never even finished writing a novel, just a few short stories and REAMS of poetry/prose. I wish I had my gradeschool and 7th grade short stories to post for you. You'd probably get a laugh out of them.

I’m a writer. Maybe not a good one, but it is in my blood and guts to write. Who I am doesn’t change based on anyone else’s opinions, but a friend’s recent misconception about me did say something… at least about my laziness. She said she had assumed I just wrote because my sister does. So obviously, she didn’t know us way-back-when, but it got me thinking. If someone around me can be totally ignorant to the fact that I have had writing inside me all my life, then it isn’t her fault for not knowing me. It’s my fault for slacking on my old goals. Admittedly, if I enjoy doing something, it always becomes last on my list of priorities. Silly, I know. It’s that self-grounding guilt thing leftover from childhood. But, I can’t be that way. I need to make myself find time to draw and write or I’ll come to regret it someday, for certain. Actually, my mother said I was a much better writer than artist, but I still love to do both.

Maybe my sister and I would have been better off if we did have a little sibling competition. Seeing someone else do now what I should have done long, long ago… that should give me an added kick in the pants to do what I was made to do. Admittedly, it hasn’t. I’m just glad she’s doing something she shows obvious talent for. I guess I’m just not competitive enough, especially when it comes to writing, since that has always just felt “mine”, more so than painting, drawing, or even this face on my head. But, it doesn’t change the fact that I’m failing a very, very old promise to myself. Obviously, it’s a little late for that big goal of way back when, but I know how writing makes me feel, fulfilled... at home... focused. I should never neglect that.

The secret to solice from secret seekers

To pacify the pit bull,
offer up some meat.
To elude the conqueror,
simply feign defeat.
The curious wanna-be shrinks
may peer and pry.
Give them awkward information
and away they fly.
No one can rob you blind,
of what you give away
Post your blood and guts on Blogger,
And be safe another day.
No need to spy to find the trustworthy,
Or guard secrets with hand on hilt
Share truths and disloyals show their spots,
while the loyal ones true bonds build.
Enjoy the impenetrable sanctuary
found behind honesty, so sweet.
Air your secrets on the internet.
Display your laundry in the street.
To keep your story safe from thieves
Toss it out upon the ground.
Hide nothing under the mattress
Unless you want it found.

more pointless ponderings

It’s funny, the more open you are, the more misunderstood you are likely to be. People are too quick to leap to assumptions, wanting to believe they know everything about you. That’s ok. I trust maybe three people, in varying ways, the rest I nod along with and just don’t argue. I don’t need everyone to know me, and the way they handle what I share with them tells me volumes about them.
I often wish my family knew me better. The fact that they don’t has created some distance, but I love them just the same. I can’t expect them to be omniscient, after all, just the fascinating people I’ve enjoyed knowing these 31 years.
Sometimes I feel as if I am concealed behind some veil, and I admit I clawed at it most of my young life, but even I know better than to fight the unchangeable. I’ll take on the nearly impossible any day, for a worthy cause, but only a fool shouts at the sky for being up instead of down.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005


I went to the doctor yesterday and got antibiotics for one problem, then today I got a migraine from hades. Just looking from my keyboard to the paper makes me feel dizzy and nauseous. I have my computer monitor turned down to zero brightness and contrast, but it still feels like it’s jabbing me in the eyeballs and makes me want to puke.
I REALLY hate migraines.
I took 20mg of Maxalt (migraine med) and it helped enough that I can work, but I still feel horrible.
I need to be healthier. I need to exercise. That might not help my migraines, but it’s something. I do smoke occasionally, not regularly, but now and then. I guess I could quit that too. I already eat healthy; lots of veggies, all homemade foods instead of processed foods, I drink juice with no sugar added, milk, lots of water. I never drink sodas and I quit coffee some time ago. I don’t eat sweets. I stay away from what I’m allergic to, usually (soy, wheat, sugar). And yet, still, it’s always something…

Some people say their lives suck, but at least they have their health. Well, my health sucks, but I’ve got a good life. Great boyfriend, good job, our own house, nieces I love like my own, etc… I have some time for hobbies, get along with my coworkers, etc…
I can’t help but feel grateful, even if I do have an empty cup beside me because I think I might puke.

Brown Eyed Handsome Man

Often, when I think about my very sweet, talented, intelligent boyfriend, I find myself singing bits of this song (lyrics below), although I don't know the song well. Thought I'd share the song. It was, of course, performed by Nina Simone and we all know I love Nina Simone. She is in my top three musical fav's (along with Tom Waits and Medeski Martin & Wood).
Anyway... I was just hinking about the song because of my brown eyed handsome man. :)

Arrested on charges of unemployment,
he was sitting in the witness stand
The judge's wife called up the district attorney
Said you free that brown eyed man
You want your job you better free that brown eyed man

Flying across the desert in a TWA,
I saw a woman walking across the sand
She been a-walkin' thirty miles en route to Bombay.
To get a brown eyed handsome man
Her destination was a brown eyed handsome man

Way back in history three thousand years
Back every since the world began
There's been a whole lot of good women shed a tear
For a brown eyed handsome man
That's what the trouble was brown eyed handsome man

Beautiful daughter couldn't make up her mind
Between a doctor and a lawyer man
Her mother told her daughter go out and find yourself
A brown eyed handsome man
That's what your daddy is a brown eyed handsome man

Milo Venus was a beautiful lass
She had the world in the palm of her hand
But she lost both her arms in a wrestling match
To get brown eyed handsome man
She fought and won herself a brown eyed handsome man

Two, three count with nobody on
He hit a high fly into the stand
Rounding third he was headed for home
It was a brown eyed handsome man
That won the game; it was a brown eyed handsome man

Friday, December 02, 2005

Machka's poem

Don’t you look down on me, boy.
Don’t dare think me weak,
When I show a chink in my armor
And I let you see me meek.
I’ve wrestled bigger bears than you
Admittedly, not always winning.
I’ve cried my share, but beware
I come back strong and grinning.
I bear my throat to a chosen few,
And I know you’ve got your teeth,
But if you’ve got the wish, my pet
I’ve the guts, for a worthy beast.
Love has its roar and bite, for sure.
It can be savage, or just a pest,
But for you I am more fur than claws
‘cause you’re worth two of all the rest.

I don't know where this one came from. Guess I was feeling cheesy and cocky all at once.
I have no "poetic" spark in me, lately. I don't think I've written anything I actually liked since going going sold and Steam-man, which were both back in May, I think.

So it goes, I guess. I'll do some Sumi-e painting, try and get back into the swing of drawing, and do that for now. Then maybe I'll get into writing fiction, which I should be working on all the time. The desire to write poetry comes and goes with me. I'll get another wave eventually.

Besides, my pet project is still my house. It's an oldy, so it needs a LOT of work, and I enjoy that kind of work. It's hard to pay for supplies (lumber and such) but we'll get there. Stephen is great to work with. He's positive, creative, and has good taste. He has fun with it like I do, too.

I'll post some pics of my Sumi-e work eventually, but I'm still trying to get the hang of it, right now. Carving seals to go with it is fun, too, although I think the seal or chop stamps are more prevalent in chinese ink drawing than japanese Sumi-e, but the cultures are so deeply mingled it's hard to draw lines, sometimes.

Anyway... one day I'll make a blog strictly for poetry, and only the good stuff. No wading through the rambles, that way, although it may not get updated too frequently.

one day one day... one not-so-busy day :)
Sentimental waves of melancholy smiles
Wash over me in flashback scenes;
People here and gone, still held close
Inside my timeless mind.

I waxed nostalgic just the other night
About Mom’s awkward hang-ups,
Grandma’s base-ball bat revenge,
And regal, witty, independent Gran.

I have dreams about friends moved on
And smile to see long-lost grins,
Hear their voices, and recall odd habits,
Like OCD-ish repeating hand movements.

I still toast Dawn at least once a year
with corona and pop rocks, if I have them,
and pray for her family left behind.

People come and go, but the memories cling
And I embrace them with joy,
Glad to have bumped lives with the magic few
Who make the journey worth remembering.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

hey look! this is me

Back in 1998, John Hill Studio

2004, Magazine cover by John Nation

Technicalities & Trust

A friend of mine broke up with her boyfriend, they remained friends, and within days, I believe, he was already “with” another girl. She referred to this as him cheating on her. (They got back together later). I never quite understood this. They were broken up. He was probably trying to get her off his mind any way he could. I can certainly understand feeling hurt (feeling like he moved on too quickly), but I couldn’t be mad at him for “cheating”, if it were me. However, he refused to tell her a lot of things about what happened during that break-up time, and that I couldn’t have accepted.

I kinda wrote it off as a chick thing, at first (since I’m too odd a chick to get some chick things), but then my boyfriend kind of agreed with her, saying there’s a 3-week to a month period delay before a break up totally takes effect, so to speak, so he would either not move on to another girl (if it were him) or do it sneakily, as if he were cheating.
This I REALLY don’t get. In my opinion, if you moved on a bit abruptly, and you really felt the need to be considerate of your ex, you’d do the opposite of sneak. You’d probably give them a bit of a warning so they wouldn’t find out at an awkard time and get blindsided by the news. If your ex is slightly psycho and will freak out at the news, maybe you can’t extend him/her that courtesy, but I know I would appreciate and need that courtesy.

There have been times in my life I haven’t been totally brutally open about some things, especially one case of moving on quickly after I was ditched. I wanted to let him know, just out of respect, but knew the truth would be twisted and altered and made into an ugly lie once his creative mind got control of it, so I couldn’t trust him enough to give him the honesty I wanted to. That was long, long ago and someone I never see anymore, though. But that was one odd situation and very atypical for me, since I value honesty so much. Also, I once had an issue of this dilemma… I had broken up with someone and then, quite soon after, realized I had strong feelings for this other guy. If I was going to date this other guy, I would have warned my friend/ex, but I couldn’t date him so I just kept my feelings bottled up (except in my poetry-vents) since it seemed pointless to hurt him with the knowledge of my feelings if I wasn’t going to do anything about it. That didn’t work out well, but that’s another story, and kind of irrelevant. .

I guess my confusion comes down to a core aspect of my personality that differs from most people. I can handle anything but feeling left in the dark. I want to know what’s going on so I can brace myself for what’s coming. Just like, for example, I could forgive a man for just about anything. I could even forgive adultery, probably, but ONLY if he told me himself without being pushed to do it at all. That goes back to the slip-up versus conscious betrayal thing…. You see, if he slips up, that could be a moment of weakness. It’d hurt like hell, but we could probably move past it together. If he chose to hide something from me, however, that’s a conscious decision to continuously betray my trust. If he didn’t come clean on his own before I found out the hard way, there would be no forgiving him. No way, no how. So, for example, if I found out on my own that he’d made out with some chick then deceived me, I might never forgive him. However, I might forgive all-out adultery if he confessed on his own.
Now, that’s all retrospect-honesty (coming clean AFTER a mistake) but the same applies. Just be up-front with me and the trust never dies. If we break up and you move on, but you warn me to protect my feelings, I’m gonna feel a lot less tossed aside.

Maybe I’m changing topics or directions, here, but why do some people consider it better to be left in the dark? The way I see it, if I find out the hard way that you deceived me, I can never trust you again. If you mess up but come clean, I never have to worry or suspect, because I know that if you were messing up again you’d let me know – so why worry?

I don’t know. I’ll just never get people. All the “polite” lying and expected deception and sneaking and “protecting” people from the truth… It’s all hogwash. If you care about anyone, you’ll be totally honest with them. It’s just that simple.